0:00 Author Introduction 0:55 Story 2:20 2 important points from the story (1) There's a lot more space between "No" and "Yes" (2) What after "No" 4:50 What's the right approach after the "No"? 7:49 How is this empathy and "you understand" important in negotiation? - 8:22 The 3 approaches to conflict - fight, flight or make friends -3 styles - assertive, accommodator or make-friend and analytical, 10:12 Do people fall into one of the three categories or a combination? 11:13 Do you have to adapt your technique depending on who are you dealing with? 13:15 Question about speaker background 20:35 What about compromise in a negotiation...? 23:36 Do the same techniques apply to every negotiation? 27:56 Finding the unknown, unknown 34:20 How do negotiation techniques change when there is emotion entanglement involved?
Lesson: 1. Active Listening 2. Try to understand and unleash the emotions of the negotiator because sometimes even he can't put words to those emotions. 3. Tactical Empathise. 4. Calibrated questions Fear of loss can get people to negotiate as it drives our decisions, hard bargaining gets you loss in long-term, the closer you are to someone the harder it will be to recognise what you are being accounted for the anger(i.e. the harder it will be to find that black swan)
“Anybody that has ever felt stress has taken themselves hostage because they were worried about losing something...” Super perceptive statement and very true. I also feel Robert Deniro (even though his voice is more similar to Al Pacino) channeled him in the movie heat 👍 “(never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better)”
This was profound: There is an emotional component to every decision we make. We make a decision based on what we care about, therefore, what you care about is an emotion.
I think that the underlying point in all of this is that the people who can help you are often the very same people who can hurt you. From that perspective, empathy is fundamental to giving you the roadmap to understanding how you can reach a mutually helpful position in any negotiation or even average conversations. Mirroring is a brilliant way of overtly showing your counterpart empathy. I love it. Chris's book and his speaking engagements have totally changed my life.
@EmJayEl You are the one that mentioned evil. I just said the politician wants something. You have to listen to what the politician wants to determine the intent. Does the politician want clean air and water? Does the politician want to end wars? Or does the politician want to tax and then spend the money on pet projects to social engineer? People need to judge!
This talk inspired me to be more empathetic with my customers and create a sales experience where they are left satisfied with the way that they arrived at their decision to buy or not. I’m going to get his book 100%
Loved the insights on fair and honesty of the trade. Connected so well with my core values. Was blessed to be taught to never lie by my parents and never had to wait for my ethics class. Thank you for this lovely talk @Chris Voss. Please keep them coming. You've got a new fan here.
Pretty insightful. Much of this is practised by world-class litigators every day. There are few times in life where negotiating to convince a jury not to send your client to prison for life, without parole, is more intense. And we only get to talk at them. Not getting feedback is much more difficult but that's where reading body language is key.
He said its harder to negotiate with someone close to you. I guess we get emotional with someone close to us that closes our brain to think effectively. But once we are done and over the person, we are less emotional and able to negotiate better because we know that other person more than anyone does. I experience this. Awesome speaker. Thank you very much.
Love how you demonstrate everyday situations and highlight where we can go wrong. Always very engaging due to your philosophy on empathy making it so much easier to apply and retain your teachings. Thank you
@crustum cremo Yea about the lying about the facts - time and time again I have seen this happen just so usually in my experience a weak guy can look like he is right, even though he is factually incorrect. They should look in the mirror when they speak or replay the scenario back to see how dumb they look.
@crustum cremo "That's just how it works" usually the sign of a bad assumption. Speaking for the entire history of man is pretty arrogant bruh. Give positivity a chance to breathe. So y'all two bitter guys are saying all the selfless acts in the history of humanity are basically "write my name like this in the history books" right.....
I stumbled into "negotiation" / "empathy" as an elementary teacher. A kid walked in my class in the morning completely pissed off. I knew he was about to cause issues for the day. I asked him what was wrong. He didn't say anything. I said "I am curious because you seem upset." He said that morning his mom got him in trouble for something he didn't do. I replied, "I get it. That is the worst when my mom would do that to me, too. what happened" All of a sudden, he unclenched his fists, the anger on his face left, and he told me his story and had a good rest of the day. I am reading "Never Split the Difference" a second time and searching him on youtube for more insights he has. Good stuff in this video.
I loved the audiobook so much, that i did buy the physical book afterward. It even directly helped me with my upcoming project negotiations as a freelance designer! Thank you so much Chriss Voss!
37:56 - 40:46 *Lying* was never a great choice, it hurts in the long run unless you cut your/their feet & being a hard bargainer is a melting candle, respect the relationship then you'll go further 40:47 - 42:06 Get to know something new about them , lay a common ground & share some thoughts 42:07 - 43:24 When someone talks to you, you probably have something they need . . even attention counts, time spent too might lead to relationships 45:34 - 48:58 Act not by being in the interaction but act by those who are observing it & don't leave a leaking faucet especially if you've caused it, the droplets summed up the longer it's left unfixed You've been beaten Psychologically, but no need to eat an expensive fruit that starts to rot, go find a new one: *Move on*
Kids can listen to the mechanics of anything and learn little and not be at fault. This topic requires years of results-based interpersonal experience to become an effective negotiator. A couple basics: 1. It's more productive to negotiate with another negotiator. 2. Always be empathetic toward your negotiating partner's position because it's the situation (and not some mutual career path) that found you both. -Murphy
Hi, how was the book?Has it made a significant change to your lifestyle?(I'm considering buying to help with assertiveness&more sincere communication)🕊
1. start with no 2. is it bad time to talk? 3. summerize: get the counterpart to say that's right 4. 3 types: conservative, analytical, accomadator(talk more, think, mad) 5. suicide hotline 6. hostage communication:call back 7. felt stressed: end of the world pattern 8. rationalize:why you want what you want: tell me why you want it X vulnerabilities label techniques (close the information gap) V 9. empathy the tool and assertive 10. detecting deceptions unknown unknown: holding cards the other side unknown 11. you are right-shut up you that's right 12. angry at me: accusation audit指責 seem like im being a jerk, seems like ive been fair, it seems like you sound angry 13. the negotiator: movie lie X 14. how to start - where you coming from: - listen to you first - information whats going on in your world 15. sb talk to you, you got sth they want 16.money, recognition, publicity fear of loss drive us mostly 17. time is fair: cut the loss and move on
I have already tried two of the approaches in the book--both of them seemingly counter-intuitive--and they both worked! I'm going to be reading it again and taking more notes.
@S S it's so good that I will buy the hardcover version to pay him the fee for what he taught me. I have been reading his book from a paperback edition. It's all out of respect for this guy's strategy and his service to his nation.
Book changed my life. Best quote as I remember, "if someone seems 'crazy', this is a sure sign that something you don't know that you don't know is making all the difference in the world".
Or they are just crazy. Don't fall for the hype. Reading one book doesn't mean you are expert in the field. Most times crazy people are just crazy and better avoiding them.
Hi Mr. Voss. I wanted to give credit where credit is due. You are blessed with insight from above. Thank you for helping me. And all of the people that you've helped. It is a true pleasure to see someone living their purpose. God bless you.
Chris Thank You, I read 3 chapters from his book that i got at the library and i had to buy it on amazon a hardcover. It took away so much stress from my job. I have gotten better and calmer and i do not know anyone with a more stressful job than a debt collector
I just started reading Katherine Manning's book The Empathetic Workplace. I thought it would be a feel good book about how I can put people at ease. But it's hard hitting, talking about trauma. I tell people she talks about trauma but all I have in my life is drama and melodrama. But what she teaches is helpful for everyone I talk to. And it helps me recognize and let people open up when they talk about trauma, or drama. Listening is one of the hardest and useful things we can learn. This backs up everything you say in Never Split The Difference. You started me on a long journey of daily reading books and watching videos like this one. It can be a LOT OF WORK! :) But the return on the investment on my time is amazing. Thanks so much!
8:44 - wow, this is exactly it! It's more important that you understand our thoughts and reasoning than you agree with us. It's fine to disagree, but if there is not mutual understanding then there can never be progress or problem resolution. I read his book; it was great. But this succinct comment he made on the video now is really key.
I am LITERALLY sitting here commenting about parenting and I have to erase and start over because you’re talking about parenting lol! Love this. Okay. So growing up both of my parents were very tough. But I always tell people my mother taught me everything I need to NOT do as a parent myself. She was very abusive and I won’t go into detail. My father, however, never laid a hand on me. He was tough, consistent, and I respected him very much. The difference was, my mother raised on the premise of fear. My father raised me to respect him. Both were effective until I was older, stronger, and no longer scared of my mother. I was 15. This seems to be the underlying method of your approach. You said your Harvard colleagues all brought the same ideas to the table, but different circumstances essentially. So, I share this hoping to offer another perspective for those viewing. Thank you very much for your time. 💋❤️🌹
Wow. He nailed the explanation of the assertive type. I thought I was the only one who thinks like this. If I'm confident the other person fully understands my perspective and they STILL disagree, I'm inclined to take on their perspective.
I'm similar too. Thing is that I would also require the person to actually explain the reason for their perspective. Beyond listening and disagreeing only.
Provided me with useful advice when speaking and negotiating. I would say in context of hostage, if someone is talking to you, he wants something from you. In other situation is different. For example, sometimes, people like emotional connection. If he wants to say hi and cares about you, he may not want anything back from you. It's like having a dog, we care about our puppy and want our puppy to live happy. We don't expect our puppy to do anything for us except loving us back.
I Concur, attacks are a weak approach, along with lying. To manoeuvre the rail needs "Empathy" which goes a long ways. I love your honesty, thank you very much.
Have been involved with negotiations and helping people do better negotiations for a while. This video was clear and even more powerful that the book which I just finished. I have shared it and use this as a prime resource.
Sue Sweetman I agree his delivery is quirky, but honestly I am listening more to the content and giving him a break on his presentation. Also, his strange delivery is entertaining (in my opinion).
. Inspiring quote from Chris Voss for you, "Well, the problem with that kind of an approach is if you hammer somebody in a negotiation, they're going to wait for the rest of their life to pay you back. And you don't hammer people that you never see again. There's no such thing as a one-off. They're going to be people that stay in your world one way or another, either your day to day life or they will see you again. So you want to negotiate successfully with people where afterwards they call you up on the phone and they say, nice job. Nice job." kzclip.org/video/guZa7mQV1l0/бейне.html
37:27 I tried this tonight with my wife, and it worked. Thank you Chris Voss. After a terse exchange... I said, "It's Friday night, I come home late, and you probably think I am some big jerk just looking to cause problems," In my "Late night DJ voice" and she said... ..."That's right" then we hugged and problem was solved.
Great interview! I have read Chris's book a few times already n have been employing his techniques. The trick is to remember to use his teqnique once u have been triggered to respond, which is not always easy. For me when my gf is being difficult with me. I get triggered n upset n forget to use Chiss's tecniques, but then after the argument is done n im sitting there thinking; where did i go wrong? Thats when it hits me! I should have asked "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?" Or used some other technique condusive to my desired results. I finally rememered to use his teqnique in a time of contention. She was being difficult and unreasonable with her demands. So with a calm FM DJ voice I asked "How am I supposed to do that?". Then used an effective pause. Her face softened n it was as if she had jumped in my shoes n walked me through the problem. Upon verbalizing n realizing that it was an unreasonable request I was immediately released from the hook n told not to worry about it. Yay! I was so happy I was able to avoid an argument n even come out on top. Nowadays I like to ask no orientated questions to get what I want cause she is very sensitive to reverse pychology. If I say "we should do this", she automatically wants to do the opposite. But if i say "Is it a bad idea to do this" because there is a chance she may already want to, she will probably give me a reason why it may be bad so i understand her situation but will eventually succumb to the idea upon her "own" percieved terms. hehehe! ;) She is my rock which I Sharpen my skills on n she doesnt even know it :) Now I have started to employ these techniques with my boss, my teenage son n life in general n I am gettjng tremendous results. Its like I have a super power. I can talk people through a situation or problem guiding them to the solution or results that im looking for n it is becoming easier n easier everyday! Thank you Chris! Your a genius and a life saver. Once understood, your techniques are simple and effective to employ. The most powerful technique that Chris has reminded me of is that. PEOPLE JUST WANT TO BE HEARD N UNDERSTOOD! Thank you! Sincerely, Wass.
You are a winner. It looks like she's a winner too. The other two replies didn't understand. Don't let the bad guys drag you down. I really appreciate hearing about your improvement in situation. Now it's 20/20 sis stay safe and have a good life.
I've watched many videos about this guy and I've noticed how he speaks differently every time. In this one he talks much faster than he normally does, clearly mirroring his counterpart in the stage.
The guy have practiced it so much and it can be seen in this conversation as well, firstly he agrees and empathises and then deny the assumption and gives an explaination on it.
@railspony I hope you've bought the book and read it. At the very least the audio version. If you haven't, don't ask me questions about the lessons I've learned. I learned them for me, not for you. You have to do your own learning.
You may have something a person wants if they are talking to you. But don’t deceive yourself in thinking that you are the only person available to them that has it. Use it wisely.
I like the "black swan" references. I've also found it in Taleb's works ( can't remember if he's the author or not of this term ), but a black swan is basically an event, that happens rarely, it is unpredictable, and has an immense downside, just like an armed robbery with hostages. Happens probably once in 1 or 2 decades, but the maximum possible downside is a lot of people injured or/and murdered. I can see why for the negotiator this job is so difficult. His downside is zero (z-e-r-o). He's not the one standing on his knees with a gun on his head and a blindfold around his eyes, getting beaten and probably tortured. He's the one on the phone, away from all harm and danger. Yet, he needs to think the situation like he'd negotiate his own life. Else, he'll be sniffed as a fraud and the consequences are well, I've told you already.
I've seen this clip bout a hundred times. So much credit to Chris Voss for an amazing performance. But we must not forget the google employee interviewing, who was absolutely crucial in bringing out the best of Chris here!
Initially, I thought this gent would be advocating being a hardliner. I was wrong. This is a positive thing. For instance, when in a negotiation for anything, offering a "palm branch" can turn the whole thing around. If they see you have skin in the game and you understand they're side, you've turned a major corner. Then, if you can help them to agree with your circumstances, you're nearly there.
I hear this all the time .."You hear what I'm saying? Ya hear what I'm saying?" People want to feel heard and understood. The harder one is when they say "You don't understand" or "You could never understand ..."
Brilliant! What a genuine man. Also, at 37:58 notice how he tilts his head sideways. This is a somewhat submissive posture which gives the power to the other person. I can’t help but wonder if he did that deliberately as she prepared to ask him the question.
Saying ¨you´re right¨ to someone doesn't have to mean that you are dismissing the person. In fact in nonconformist Adam Grant (another speaker on google talks) uses it as a way of instilling confidence in one´s team. Building up the team, giving them more responsibilities, and so forth. Also used in a book called the charisma myth.
I just want to share something I learned from His different talk. His context You’re right is different from that’s right That’s right is an “epiphany” feeing vs an agreement. Like OHHHHHHHH THATS RIGht If you’re not getting that epiphany response yet , it’s not his version of “that’s right” yet Ty
My question is, if fear of failure drives us how can we control our fear of losing a relationship? My tendency is to always want to be nice to the other side to preserve a good relationship but then I don't get as good a deal as I could have if I had played hard ball. Any advice?
being nice doesn't get you anywhere, that is the problem. playing hardball only works when the outcomes are clearly defined. you have to find the middle path. understand what you are getting out of the relationship and know that it's not all on you. the right person will want to give you what you need, it shouldn't have to resort to any sort of "negotiation" to keep the relationship itself going. what are you really afraid of failing? a failed relationship is one that is not fruitful/fulfilling to both partners. we can't mold someone into being something they are not. so this all comes down to what kind of relationship we are talking about here, and most importantly, it depends on the people involved. the only way to control your fear of losing a relationship is to understand yourself and why you feel that way, being totally honest with yourself. if you understand the conditions clearly, then you should not be surprised by the results. I think honesty is probably the hardest part, the people with the most problems I notice are the ones who do not know themselves and this is caused by conscious or unconscious deception of ones self.
I’m learning not to take anything people say or do personally. Instead, I try to read between the lines of what they say and what they don’t say to get an idea of how they feel about me.
If you've completely understood their motivations, and they understand that you understand said motivations, and you've gotten them to say "that's right" to something, and they still flat out refuse to work with you towards a better solution, then what? What do you do???
Great interviewer, great questions. Him: "there are three types of people." Her: "can there be combinations?" Him: *clarifies and expands original idea*.
utewbing That's the point bud. The interviewer should let the guest talk. I hated the other video with Lewis whatever crap. The interview with the guest was too interactive or just too centered on the interviewer instead of the guest.
@30:24 It sounds like a big part of negotiation is not necessarily getting your way, but finding as much information as possible for the best possible outcome.
You seek out information to find out where the other party is standing. Then you use that information to get them to see how you fit into that. And if you've done everything well enough you graciously allow them to have it your way.
0:00 Author Introduction
0:55 Story
2:20 2 important points from the story (1) There's a lot more space between "No" and "Yes" (2) What after "No"
4:50 What's the right approach after the "No"?
7:49 How is this empathy and "you understand" important in negotiation? -
8:22 The 3 approaches to conflict - fight, flight or make friends -3 styles - assertive, accommodator or make-friend and analytical,
10:12 Do people fall into one of the three categories or a combination?
11:13 Do you have to adapt your technique depending on who are you dealing with?
13:15 Question about speaker background
20:35 What about compromise in a negotiation...?
23:36 Do the same techniques apply to every negotiation?
27:56 Finding the unknown, unknown
34:20 How do negotiation techniques change when there is emotion entanglement involved?
Thanks! This will help me with my reflection
This is goal
Thx!
Doing God's work thank you 💖
you rock
Very informative. Chris's humility and respect for others come across as important traits too.
Ever since I read this book, I actively seek out conflict. I think it backfired. 😂
😂😂
"With these powers I can.. WORK FOR WORLD PEACE! But first..." - The Mask 🤣🤣
Lmfao 😂
The more emotionally invested you are the harder it is to negotiate.
Lesson:
1. Active Listening
2. Try to understand and unleash the emotions of the negotiator because sometimes even he can't put words to those emotions.
3. Tactical Empathise.
4. Calibrated questions
Fear of loss can get people to negotiate as it drives our decisions, hard bargaining gets you loss in long-term, the closer you are to someone the harder it will be to recognise what you are being accounted for the anger(i.e. the harder it will be to find that black swan)
“Anybody that has ever felt stress has taken themselves hostage because they were worried about losing something...” Super perceptive statement and very true. I also feel Robert Deniro (even though his voice is more similar to Al Pacino) channeled him in the movie heat 👍 “(never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better)”
This was profound:
There is an emotional component to every decision we make. We make a decision based on what we care about, therefore, what you care about is an emotion.
I appreciate how Chis answers literally every question with a story from his own many experiences that demonstrates his approach. So good.
What an amazing interview. And what an incredible person is Chris Voss.
I think that the underlying point in all of this is that the people who can help you are often the very same people who can hurt you. From that perspective, empathy is fundamental to giving you the roadmap to understanding how you can reach a mutually helpful position in any negotiation or even average conversations. Mirroring is a brilliant way of overtly showing your counterpart empathy. I love it.
Chris's book and his speaking engagements have totally changed my life.
"if someone is talking to you, youve got something they want. Period." damnnnn love the simplicity of that quote
this is obviously not true in general
@Bibin B. Cherian Couldn't agree more!
@Super Chuck Agreed
@EmJayEl You are the one that mentioned evil. I just said the politician wants something. You have to listen to what the politician wants to determine the intent. Does the politician want clean air and water? Does the politician want to end wars? Or does the politician want to tax and then spend the money on pet projects to social engineer? People need to judge!
@Super Chuck that doesn't always mean it's evil.
This talk inspired me to be more empathetic with my customers and create a sales experience where they are left satisfied with the way that they arrived at their decision to buy or not. I’m going to get his book 100%
Loved the insights on fair and honesty of the trade. Connected so well with my core values. Was blessed to be taught to never lie by my parents and never had to wait for my ethics class.
Thank you for this lovely talk @Chris Voss. Please keep them coming.
You've got a new fan here.
Pretty insightful. Much of this is practised by world-class litigators every day. There are few times in life where negotiating to convince a jury not to send your client to prison for life, without parole, is more intense. And we only get to talk at them. Not getting feedback is much more difficult but that's where reading body language is key.
Voss is an Enigma inside of a Black Swan.
This man changed my approach to dealing. With People. “It only works with People”
He said its harder to negotiate with someone close to you. I guess we get emotional with someone close to us that closes our brain to think effectively. But once we are done and over the person, we are less emotional and able to negotiate better because we know that other person more than anyone does. I experience this. Awesome speaker. Thank you very much.
Love how you demonstrate everyday situations and highlight where we can go wrong. Always very engaging due to your philosophy on empathy making it so much easier to apply and retain your teachings. Thank you
A captivating talk, great to see such a competent moderator, both smart and well-prepared, and in addition also clearly intensely interested. Awesome!
"If anyone has ever felt stressed, you have just taken yourself hostage." - Chris Voss
@crustum cremo Yea about the lying about the facts - time and time again I have seen this happen just so usually in my experience a weak guy can look like he is right, even though he is factually incorrect. They should look in the mirror when they speak or replay the scenario back to see how dumb they look.
@Mac Tireliath are you ok?
@crustum cremo "That's just how it works" usually the sign of a bad assumption. Speaking for the entire history of man is pretty arrogant bruh. Give positivity a chance to breathe.
So y'all two bitter guys are saying all the selfless acts in the history of humanity are basically "write my name like this in the history books" right.....
@ironman5454 we all stand on the shoulders of giants.
@Josh Yates ""If somebody is talking to you, then you have something they want." 'Carl Jung 101'
I stumbled into "negotiation" / "empathy" as an elementary teacher. A kid walked in my class in the morning completely pissed off. I knew he was about to cause issues for the day. I asked him what was wrong. He didn't say anything. I said "I am curious because you seem upset." He said that morning his mom got him in trouble for something he didn't do.
I replied, "I get it. That is the worst when my mom would do that to me, too. what happened"
All of a sudden, he unclenched his fists, the anger on his face left, and he told me his story and had a good rest of the day.
I am reading "Never Split the Difference" a second time and searching him on youtube for more insights he has.
Good stuff in this video.
I loved the audiobook so much, that i did buy the physical book afterward. It even directly helped me with my upcoming project negotiations as a freelance designer! Thank you so much Chriss Voss!
Great talk. we are attempting to let our followers know that life is one big negotiation. This video was very helpful.
37:56 - 40:46
*Lying* was never a great choice, it hurts in the long run unless you cut your/their feet & being a hard bargainer is a melting candle, respect the relationship then you'll go further
40:47 - 42:06
Get to know something new about them
, lay a common ground & share some thoughts
42:07 - 43:24
When someone talks to you, you probably have something they need . . even attention counts, time spent too might lead to relationships
45:34 - 48:58
Act not by being in the interaction but act by those who are observing it & don't leave a leaking faucet especially if you've caused it, the droplets summed up the longer it's left unfixed
You've been beaten Psychologically, but no need to eat an expensive fruit that starts to rot, go find a new one: *Move on*
Thank you Chris, I’ve learned so much in just a little bit of KZclip I have seen of you, looking forward to finding more about what you teach.
My 39yr old daughter says I'm a natural negotiator with people. I felt that was the nicest compliment ive ever recd from my kids! Love it!
Kids can listen to the mechanics of anything and learn little and not be at fault. This topic requires years of results-based interpersonal experience to become an effective negotiator. A couple basics: 1. It's more productive to negotiate with another negotiator. 2. Always be empathetic toward your negotiating partner's position because it's the situation (and not some mutual career path) that found you both. -Murphy
Loved listing to Chris. Such useful information we can all use in our day to day life.
Had to watch this a few times to really absorb everything. So much real knowledge packed into one video. Definitely going to get his book.
"Ask the right person, do what they tell you to do." - Chris Voss
Great stuff, I just bought the book!
Hi, how was the book?Has it made a significant change to your lifestyle?(I'm considering buying to help with assertiveness&more sincere communication)🕊
Great talk. Says a lot about what drives us. The "never lie" part was interesting.
1. start with no
2. is it bad time to talk?
3. summerize: get the counterpart to say that's right
4. 3 types: conservative, analytical, accomadator(talk more, think, mad)
5. suicide hotline
6. hostage communication:call back
7. felt stressed: end of the world
pattern
8. rationalize:why you want what you want:
tell me why you want it X vulnerabilities
label techniques (close the information gap) V
9. empathy the tool and assertive
10. detecting deceptions
unknown unknown: holding cards the other side unknown
11. you are right-shut up you
that's right
12. angry at me:
accusation audit指責
seem like im being a jerk, seems like ive been fair, it seems like
you sound angry
13. the negotiator: movie
lie X
14. how to start
- where you coming from:
- listen to you first
- information whats going on in your world
15. sb talk to you, you got sth they want
16.money, recognition, publicity
fear of loss drive us mostly
17. time is fair: cut the loss and move on
Amazing how much of this plays in everyday life. Everyone should watch this, if only to better themselves.
I have already tried two of the approaches in the book--both of them seemingly counter-intuitive--and they both worked! I'm going to be reading it again and taking more notes.
@S S areeee bhai. That was a Black Swan! I didn't expect you to be a Bengali. Cheers!
@Roy thik bolechis
@S S it's so good that I will buy the hardcover version to pay him the fee for what he taught me. I have been reading his book from a paperback edition. It's all out of respect for this guy's strategy and his service to his nation.
@S S it’s worth every cent
@S S it’s worth every cent
I am learning so much. I love these talks. Thank you, Mr. Voss!!
Book changed my life. Best quote as I remember, "if someone seems 'crazy', this is a sure sign that something you don't know that you don't know is making all the difference in the world".
Or they are just crazy. Don't fall for the hype. Reading one book doesn't mean you are expert in the field. Most times crazy people are just crazy and better avoiding them.
Damn! I noted it.
Hi Mr. Voss. I wanted to give credit where credit is due. You are blessed with insight from above. Thank you for helping me. And all of the people that you've helped. It is a true pleasure to see someone living their purpose. God bless you.
Chris Thank You, I read 3 chapters from his book that i got at the library and i had to buy it on amazon a hardcover. It took away so much stress from my job. I have gotten better and calmer and i do not know anyone with a more stressful job than a debt collector
quit that and do something good for the world
Lol
True that!
I just started reading Katherine Manning's book The Empathetic Workplace. I thought it would be a feel good book about how I can put people at ease. But it's hard hitting, talking about trauma. I tell people she talks about trauma but all I have in my life is drama and melodrama. But what she teaches is helpful for everyone I talk to. And it helps me recognize and let people open up when they talk about trauma, or drama. Listening is one of the hardest and useful things we can learn. This backs up everything you say in Never Split The Difference. You started me on a long journey of daily reading books and watching videos like this one. It can be a LOT OF WORK! :) But the return on the investment on my time is amazing. Thanks so much!
8:44 - wow, this is exactly it! It's more important that you understand our thoughts and reasoning than you agree with us. It's fine to disagree, but if there is not mutual understanding then there can never be progress or problem resolution. I read his book; it was great. But this succinct comment he made on the video now is really key.
Every other line from that interview can be used as a life advice quote. Amazing!
This talk was phenomenal.
I am LITERALLY sitting here commenting about parenting and I have to erase and start over because you’re talking about parenting lol!
Love this. Okay. So growing up both of my parents were very tough. But I always tell people my mother taught me everything I need to NOT do as a parent myself. She was very abusive and I won’t go into detail. My father, however, never laid a hand on me. He was tough, consistent, and I respected him very much. The difference was, my mother raised on the premise of fear. My father raised me to respect him. Both were effective until I was older, stronger, and no longer scared of my mother. I was 15.
This seems to be the underlying method of your approach. You said your Harvard colleagues all brought the same ideas to the table, but different circumstances essentially. So, I share this hoping to offer another perspective for those viewing. Thank you very much for your time. 💋❤️🌹
Wow. He nailed the explanation of the assertive type. I thought I was the only one who thinks like this. If I'm confident the other person fully understands my perspective and they STILL disagree, I'm inclined to take on their perspective.
I'm similar too. Thing is that I would also require the person to actually explain the reason for their perspective. Beyond listening and disagreeing only.
Mahir Siraji about 8:50-9:00 I think?
what time was it?
Provided me with useful advice when speaking and negotiating. I would say in context of hostage, if someone is talking to you, he wants something from you. In other situation is different. For example, sometimes, people like emotional connection. If he wants to say hi and cares about you, he may not want anything back from you. It's like having a dog, we care about our puppy and want our puppy to live happy. We don't expect our puppy to do anything for us except loving us back.
I love Chris and how he lays it out! Thanks #Google!
The more emotionally invested you are the harder it is to negotiate.
true.
Read: Daniel Goleman.....
I Concur, attacks are a weak approach, along with lying. To manoeuvre the rail needs "Empathy" which goes a long ways. I love your honesty, thank you very much.
Bought your book sir after listening to two of your talks. Very intelligent and definitely someone with much for me to learn from.
Chris is dropping Never Have To Worry About Money Again level jewels. Fantastic
Have been involved with negotiations and helping people do better negotiations
for a while. This video was clear and even more powerful that the book which
I just finished. I have shared it and use this as a prime resource.
Fantastic talk. Too many “ah ha” moments to NOT pick up his book! What a great manual for life. Thanks Chris Voss for sharing this. 🍻🍻
Sue Sweetman I agree his delivery is quirky, but honestly I am listening more to the content and giving him a break on his presentation. Also, his strange delivery is entertaining (in my opinion).
@LazerC4 I hope he writes better than he speaks.
I want to get his book now too. I just watched his “MasterClass” and its the best money I have spent in a long time...
Great talk! I actually watched this twice to make sure I didn't miss anything.
i enjoyed every part of it!!! hoping he comes back with more speeches.
. Inspiring quote from Chris Voss for you, "Well, the problem with that kind of an approach is if you hammer somebody in a negotiation, they're going to wait for the rest of their life to pay you back. And you don't hammer people that you never see again. There's no such thing as a one-off. They're going to be people that stay in your world one way or another, either your day to day life or they will see you again. So you want to negotiate successfully with people where afterwards they call you up on the phone and they say, nice job. Nice job."
kzclip.org/video/guZa7mQV1l0/бейне.html
37:27 I tried this tonight with my wife, and it worked. Thank you Chris Voss. After a terse exchange...
I said, "It's Friday night, I come home late, and you probably think I am some big jerk just looking to cause problems," In my "Late night DJ voice"
and she said...
..."That's right"
then we hugged and problem was solved.
Excelent way of delivering great information.
37:40 Im humbled by his honesty in personal negotiations.
She's the spitting image of what I imagine employees at Google are like.
Same with the voice from the first question.
These types of comments are the reason why I read the comments.
She does not work at Google.
Great interview!
I have read Chris's book a few times already n have been employing his techniques. The trick is to remember to use his teqnique once u have been triggered to respond, which is not always easy. For me when my gf is being difficult with me. I get triggered n upset n forget to use Chiss's tecniques, but then after the argument is done n im sitting there thinking; where did i go wrong? Thats when it hits me! I should have asked "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?" Or used some other technique condusive to my desired results.
I finally rememered to use his teqnique in a time of contention. She was being difficult and unreasonable with her demands. So with a calm FM DJ voice I asked "How am I supposed to do that?". Then used an effective pause. Her face softened n it was as if she had jumped in my shoes n walked me through the problem. Upon verbalizing n realizing that it was an unreasonable request I was immediately released from the hook n told not to worry about it. Yay! I was so happy I was able to avoid an argument n even come out on top.
Nowadays I like to ask no orientated questions to get what I want cause she is very sensitive to reverse pychology. If I say "we should do this", she automatically wants to do the opposite. But if i say "Is it a bad idea to do this" because there is a chance she may already want to, she will probably give me a reason why it may be bad so i understand her situation but will eventually succumb to the idea upon her "own" percieved terms. hehehe! ;)
She is my rock which I Sharpen my skills on n she doesnt even know it :)
Now I have started to employ these techniques with my boss, my teenage son n life in general n I am gettjng tremendous results. Its like I have a super power. I can talk people through a situation or problem guiding them to the solution or results that im looking for n it is becoming easier n easier everyday!
Thank you Chris! Your a genius and a life saver. Once understood, your techniques are simple and effective to employ.
The most powerful technique that Chris has reminded me of is that.
PEOPLE JUST WANT TO BE HEARD N UNDERSTOOD!
Thank you!
Sincerely,
Wass.
You are a winner. It looks like she's a winner too.
The other two replies didn't understand. Don't let the bad guys drag you down.
I really appreciate hearing about your improvement in situation.
Now it's 20/20 sis stay safe and have a good life.
I don’t think using tricks on your girlfriend is good but if you’re both happy cool lol
21:35 "Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn't take something better." I really like that
I've watched many videos about this guy and I've noticed how he speaks differently every time. In this one he talks much faster than he normally does, clearly mirroring his counterpart in the stage.
The guy have practiced it so much and it can be seen in this conversation as well, firstly he agrees and empathises and then deny the assumption and gives an explaination on it.
Heard an interview with Chris Voss a while back, and before it was over I was on Amazon ordering it. Highly recommended.
@MJL Digital Good news: I didn't ask you anything. And lessons you learned for yourself, not for others... you don't need to talk about.
@railspony I hope you've bought the book and read it. At the very least the audio version. If you haven't, don't ask me questions about the lessons I've learned. I learned them for me, not for you. You have to do your own learning.
did you read it!?
@Jean Rich If you're not sure, it might be functionally equivalent.
railspony uhm why don’t you tell us
Good guy! Saving to get access to his master class
I wish I knew this stuff when I was eighteen back in 1978 my life would have been so much simpler to date.
James A. Walters like, how so?
I learned a lot from listening to him....Thanks for posting....
You may have something a person wants if they are talking to you.
But don’t deceive yourself in thinking that you are the only person available to them that has it.
Use it wisely.
Chris Voss..... Brilliant man....
I like the "black swan" references. I've also found it in Taleb's works ( can't remember if he's the author or not of this term ), but a black swan is basically an event, that happens rarely, it is unpredictable, and has an immense downside, just like an armed robbery with hostages. Happens probably once in 1 or 2 decades, but the maximum possible downside is a lot of people injured or/and murdered. I can see why for the negotiator this job is so difficult. His downside is zero (z-e-r-o). He's not the one standing on his knees with a gun on his head and a blindfold around his eyes, getting beaten and probably tortured. He's the one on the phone, away from all harm and danger. Yet, he needs to think the situation like he'd negotiate his own life. Else, he'll be sniffed as a fraud and the consequences are well, I've told you already.
Voss uses Black Swan as an unknown unknown that changes the entire dynamic of a potential deal once discovered.
It's also referred to on the stock market. Same meaning. Rare and unforseen event with tremendous consequences. Ie huge fall or rise of market
I feel that empathy in response to "that's right" is truly a magical helper!
Twenty minutes into this talk, and I've said "that's right" at least five times so far.
I've seen this clip bout a hundred times.
So much credit to Chris Voss for an amazing performance. But we must not forget the google employee interviewing, who was absolutely crucial in bringing out the best of Chris here!
He's so smart. I lost him countless times.
Really enjoyed this talk. Thank you Mr. Voss and Google.
Initially, I thought this gent would be advocating being a hardliner. I was wrong. This is a positive thing. For instance, when in a negotiation for anything, offering a "palm branch" can turn the whole thing around. If they see you have skin in the game and you understand they're side, you've turned a major corner. Then, if you can help them to agree with your circumstances, you're nearly there.
“You either have a terrorist with 5 hostages, or five terrorists with a hostage; Either way, it’s just a basketball game.” That’s Right!!
Great interview and great interviewer!
Geez one can really see the experience on Chris’ face and composure
Great talk!!! Really enjoyed it.
I hear this all the time .."You hear what I'm saying? Ya hear what I'm saying?" People want to feel heard and understood.
The harder one is when they say "You don't understand" or "You could never understand ..."
Brilliant! What a genuine man. Also, at 37:58 notice how he tilts his head sideways. This is a somewhat submissive posture which gives the power to the other person. I can’t help but wonder if he did that deliberately as she prepared to ask him the question.
Brilliant ..... why didn’t I know this 52 years ago? 😄 would have made so many things so much easier.
Saying ¨you´re right¨ to someone doesn't have to mean that you are dismissing the person. In fact in nonconformist Adam Grant (another speaker on google talks) uses it as a way of instilling confidence in one´s team. Building up the team, giving them more responsibilities, and so forth. Also used in a book called the charisma myth.
I just want to share something I learned from
His different talk. His context You’re right is different from that’s right
That’s right is an “epiphany” feeing vs an agreement. Like OHHHHHHHH THATS RIGht
If you’re not getting that epiphany response yet , it’s not his version of “that’s right” yet
Ty
Different disciplines providing different understandings of the same thing in different context. Thanks for sharing!
18:15 Powerful story about a kidnapping negotiation in the Philippines.
45:34 Great answer for "When is it time for threat and retaliation?"
My question is, if fear of failure drives us how can we control our fear of losing a relationship? My tendency is to always want to be nice to the other side to preserve a good relationship but then I don't get as good a deal as I could have if I had played hard ball. Any advice?
being nice doesn't get you anywhere, that is the problem. playing hardball only works when the outcomes are clearly defined. you have to find the middle path. understand what you are getting out of the relationship and know that it's not all on you. the right person will want to give you what you need, it shouldn't have to resort to any sort of "negotiation" to keep the relationship itself going. what are you really afraid of failing? a failed relationship is one that is not fruitful/fulfilling to both partners. we can't mold someone into being something they are not. so this all comes down to what kind of relationship we are talking about here, and most importantly, it depends on the people involved. the only way to control your fear of losing a relationship is to understand yourself and why you feel that way, being totally honest with yourself. if you understand the conditions clearly, then you should not be surprised by the results. I think honesty is probably the hardest part, the people with the most problems I notice are the ones who do not know themselves and this is caused by conscious or unconscious deception of ones self.
I loved listening to Chris, the content is refreshingly honest and the accent is charming.
I've read his book and I'm still taking notes over here as I watch this
"cutting my losses and moving on is a smarter move. I'm not saying I can always do it." That's reaching deep.
I’m learning not to take anything people say or do personally. Instead, I try to read between the lines of what they say and what they don’t say to get an idea of how they feel about me.
I love his calm confidence
The first 10 minutes in my opinion was perhaps the most powerful and be practiced immediately.
Great talk. It's a shame that the audience seems to unresponsive and so many people are on their laptops.
He always starts with a joke, even a simple one. It really warms up the other side. I just saw him do the same thing on a different video.
I am in LOVE!!!! Your mind is truly amazing! I could listen forever! Learned sooo much! Thank You!
If you've completely understood their motivations, and they understand that you understand said motivations, and you've gotten them to say "that's right" to something, and they still flat out refuse to work with you towards a better solution, then what? What do you do???
Work around it. Understanding doesn't mean you get the YES. Its just meant you understood their position.
Great interviewer, great questions. Him: "there are three types of people." Her: "can there be combinations?" Him: *clarifies and expands original idea*.
lol, total nerd
For some reason I thought that was overly annoying.
I bet this guy does the best Christopher Walken impression
Pretty shitty. But I can do an “Iowa-NYC” one..
@Mark Neri Exactly what I thought. He has very similar way of speaking, hand gestures and even voice
I wrote the same thing on another video with him
Holy shit 😂
I didn't think of it 😀
@Mark Neri definitely Al Pacino
The lady doing the interview is dynamic and well prepared. Wow, what a great conversation.
Silence equals mad, so true. We need a talk on Black Swan's opinion on insurance negotiation. Simple everyday hassles with insurance companies
It pains me to say this about a google employee, but this interviewer was outstanding, especially for her relative age.
utewbing That's the point bud. The interviewer should let the guest talk. I hated the other video with Lewis whatever crap. The interview with the guest was too interactive or just too centered on the interviewer instead of the guest.
...young
... and what is her relative age?
@30:24
It sounds like a big part of negotiation is not necessarily getting your way, but finding as much information as possible for the best possible outcome.
Not the best possible outcome, it's about getting your way without making the other one feel bad about you. Why you people don't read his book?
You seek out information to find out where the other party is standing. Then you use that information to get them to see how you fit into that. And if you've done everything well enough you graciously allow them to have it your way.