@ryan r From my understanding, you even questioning and being worried about being one let's you know you're not one. At least that's what I've been led to believe
I'm starting to think either I am or was a narcissist. And now that I'm trying to fix things, I feel that my wife is a narcissist. Maybe I created the problem in our early years and now can't seem to fix our issues because now she's the narcissist.
“A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.” - Karla Grimes
@Marilyn Mookodi So extremely sorry, you're going through all this I hope your Brother is well able to see through his wife Or is it a case & matter of "love is blind"? She seems extremely damaged to do such horrendously wicked things Truly hope others, around her have aware ness of how cruel she is, so she can't get away with, any of her mind gmes & deceptions God bless you ✨☘️🙏
My brother married a text book narcissist and from the get go, she set her sights on me. She's a kleptomaniac and then some. She takes what is mine not because she lacks the financial resources to get her own but simply to deny me. If she could she'd take my very life just for the thrill of denying my daughter her mother. She's just rotten to the core.
@Vincent Risalvato yes, God bless you Sometimes it requires time & much careful planning, before we can escape the narcissists But either way we must seek justice, & not give up God bless you&yours ✨☘️🙏
@Scott Freeman So extremely true One of the worst things they do, is begin their smear campaigns with their flying monkeys So,,, damaging & destructive to our names, which like you so rightly mention, can cost us the most important things in life But we mustn't give or stop seeking justice It takes time for sure, but one step at a time, we must keep fighting for righteous justice, retrieve what they wickedly took from us Plus 'clear our name' Don't ever give up & let the demons win You deserve the very best ✨☘️🙏
Thats very true. I live with an narcissist and over time ive seen how much they are affected when I dont pay attention to them and how in a subtle way I completely dissociate and not care at all about anything they do since everything they do is calculated.
Yes! A key part of Grey Rocking isn't just shutting off our external reactions to them, it is redirecting our attention to what is healthiest for us, and letting them go without their permission, approval, or discussion.
My first red flag incident with a recent narcissist was me having boundaries. They took boundaries in a negative way because they don't like when people have them.
@Butterfly YES! My NPD/OCPD manager was so offended by me expressing personal boundaries, that he treated it like crossing my boundaries was his entitlement and I needed to learn my place.
@Get Help Sorry. The wording I used in that sentence is confusing. Boundaries that I had considered common sense my entire life, were aloofly ignored by an NPD/OCPD manager at work, and they took great offense to me stating my boundaries, and decided to "teach me a lesson" by being even more disrespectful of my boundaries.
I love how he brings up the fact that sometimes you can't avoid the narcissist because they are your boss or your co-workers. In today's age, you will often encounter narcissistic people in every social setting, so going no contact is not the solution.
@Rose Leoni the advent of social media and the need for validation/adulation. More easily obtained via this medium and a haven for these types of people.
@msredcurtains difficult. I just think it is getting more prevalent due to social media, it seems promote this type of person. Be very selective on who you form friendships and relationships with. Any early warning signs be prepared to back away quickly. In regards to the workplace that's more difficult and you may find you are in a completely unfair situation. If you are being bullied in the workplace and go to HR they will probably 'investigate' your complaint and give you the brush off, siding with your manager. It might come down to having to change jobs, if that's feasible.
@Rose Leoni multiple reasons at once, mainly stemming from our hegemonic economic system and the psychological effects of heightened individualism paired with the shattering of communities in addition to the splitting of identities due to the forced need to be online and social pressures involved with having an online persona. Of course this is just my opinion
There is always a way out unless you choose to be in that prison. If you are in an abusive situation and you cannot leave without physical and mental harm to you and others, the fact you are kept from leaving, IS ABUSE itself. There are avenues for help available. You need to seek them out. Make your plans and get out of the situation. Were you born so that you could spend your life in this prison?
Unless you HAVE to negotiate with them. Example...coparenting with an ex because you are legally forced to. You need to find a way to have peace with each other.
@Dank Dancer Kriissii I’m curious what that would look like, I’ve had contemplations about it as I did see a therapist for anxiety when I was younger and I have recently realized my behaviours but yet again, I just can’t justify morality and integrity doing much benefit for me and I wouldn’t have gotten everything I have without being such a selfish asshole. Again I know exactly what I’m doing but I see everyone else playing by the rules and it looks boring and like a lot more work when I can be a little lazy, skimp on some rules and get what I want. The world isn’t fair and people have all different types of advantages and disadvantages, it’s just evening the playing field.
@Raya Gray that’s actually not a bad tactic and I have run into that situation but the only time I actually ever cut someone off I truly cared about was they were actually another narcissist and that behaviour had gone one for years and I mean years, unless your willing to essentially destroy your morality and integrity, I wouldn’t recommend that because you will have to play a very long game as that’s how we play. And even if you do win in the end, in my eyes if I was fundamentally able to manipulate you so badly that you had to change your personality just to engage with me, I would probably see it as a win. And than leave lol.
My motto is this... when I want to treat the narcissist the way they treat me, don't. This stuff is so draining. I'm done. In the middle of the reverse discard.
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective *Metaspyhub@gmail. com* . Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
@PATISLAV i hear you, all same here, took me over 10 years to forget about it. But it seems now like a passed life. I honestly just realized randomly watching this vid that he was a narcissist, i mean now!! and it all comes back as yesterday... all comments match him perfectly. But i know now, his failures, his insecurities , or his ways of living in a cloud far way from people, ARE NOT MINE, the world is as beautiful, and it goes back to beautiful...and we must remember WE, are lucky to see that without any help.
At least women can get paid after marrying an "asole" . As a man, the female "asole" leaves n I get nothing but memories of great s ex and total insanity 😁😁😁😆
Anyone who's lived long enough with a true narcissist will never go through it again. You learn quickly what behavior to look for in a person and push them away instantly.
The most infuriating aspect about dealing with narcissists is that you can’t challenge them. They are not like typical jerks who can be *“put in their place”* - you have to give them their way or avoid them. 😅
The level of guilt buried deep inside of them is hard to penetrate. Any excuse for them to not deal with that, they will take. I just want the madness to be over. Life is too short to be at war 24/7. I genuinely feel really bad for him.
@darkprince56 Thanks for your reply. I haven't left him for many reasons and one of them is my very strong faith. And yes, I have minor children, which for the most part, my husband is very good to. (Sometimes he does get quite belligerent and exasperating with them but it is only in very small doses) There are other reasons too but for my faith, even tho I am struggling a lot in this marriage, God's hand is in this and He has greater things ahead for this. Jeremiah 28:11
@Chele why haven’t you left him yet? Children? If so and they’re still minors please don’t subject them to the damage having him as a father is causing. My mom had the same problem and decided to run away with me when I was 5. My dad’s a wife-beating narcissist
I think these exercises are for people who are in situations with narcissists where they can't run yet, but need to keep the peace for a certain amount of time in order to live.
These steps are a guide to show submission to the narcissist, and give up all your dignity in order to please them. It’s not manipulation, it’s not management, and it’s not going to bring peace to your mind. It’s basically giving up and fake your treatment towards them. I was hoping for the “part 2” of the video but it never came.
@PurpleKittyKelly i...agree? I'm not sure where you got the impression I didn't? Parents are a tricky one because it's almost impossible to not get sucked back in when you have a large family. Especially when they're dying. But the first rule of thumb is, if you can get out, get OUT.
@Heather Taylor I don’t necessarily think that he’s talking about someone who’s been abusive, and very close, like a romantic partner parent. I think it’s more like a coworker, a teacher, somebody like that. Somebody that you have to deal with, and just get through the day with. I think this advice for a narcissistic ex would be a bad idea, but for those every once in a while, not a bad idea.
it’s one of those “if you have to deal with them“ kind of situation. I don’t think he’s necessarily talking about our close relationships, like parents or romantic relationships, but more so the acquaintance, coworker, etc. person that we run into.
Manipulate a Narcissist-------1. Never be obviously negatively stunned (never show disgust). 2. Avoid criticizing them. 3. Compliment them. (Butter them up, but be sincere.) Be impressed with them. Compare them to high-status individuals. Make them think they are special, legendary. 4. Double-check advice from higher-ups, experts with them. (consult them) 5. Be mad on their behalf. "It's sad that others cannot see how great you are." 6. Ask for their advice and be amazed at their reply. "I never would have thought of that." 7. Offer to help them....join with them to meet a common goal. 8. Ask them about their dreams and don't be mortified by their reply. Be excited not disgusted by their fantasies. Don't make suggestions about how to improve that. 9. Empathize with their feelings. "Everyone is too touchy-feely these days.". "Some people can be so stubborn." 10. Appear good or great, but let them know you see them above you.
If you need to manipulate anyone to be happy or survive then you stayed too long in that relationship. Don't lower yourself to manipulation of another human being. Just make your own life and fill it with positive people. You cannot make a human change.
that's why he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them.
I think this is one of my favorite videos by you, and actually others’ videos, about narcissism because you really point out the soft underbelly on them. People tend to view narcissists as having a lot of self confidence and strength when they are actually like a rotting piece of food. It still has a beautiful, fresh appearance but when you cut into them, there’s a very mealy, weak center. If you keep injecting them with water and wax them, they maintain their appearance but they’re really being held together by empty praise and self deception. Admire from afar because if you try to take a a bite you’ll be hungrier than you felt before you experienced them. If you keep trying to eat them, you’ll get very sick or die.
What’s interesting is I’ve employed some of these tactics with my father who is a hardcore narcissist. I was surprised to find out that I came up with some of these tips on my own years ago. I’ve been looking for ways to up my game which is why I’m here lol.
What a kind compliment any man would love. Anyway the first breakuo email said my sense of humor and intellect were what she dessired in me and how truly heartbroken she was. The second email mentjined jokes and various outrageous lies things i just woukdnt say and how awfuk my sense if humor was. What was never mentioned why i was at faukt for her five month affair immediateley beginning after my dad dying. These two emaiks are the only proof i have. The years of abuse people just wounkdnt understand Its as if every time she punched men SHE woukd have a black eye and okaying the victim. The injustice of it makes me sick.
My dad did all this with my narcissist mom for years, telling her she was always right, apologizing when she attacked him & flattering her all the time (especially as he was getting older and had lost all stamina to fight her). What he gained was a major depression, alcoholism and cancer, trying to keep it all inside for so long.
Yup been doing it 10 years and can no longer do it. We are both doing marriage counseling and I'm arming myself now that cats outta the bag and I have a playbook. I have 3 kids involved so there is no backing out
@narcelian krisa Took me until recently to realize my mom is a Narc. She affected my dad ( now deceased ). He took it out on me. My theory- stress hormones accumulated, he had to roll 'em down hill on me. Odd thing- mom has chilled and mellowed the last 15 years ( she's in her 90's). She shed her automatic demeaning statements, happier and there's hope for older aged Narcs ... unless she regresses in her 100's.
@Violexie0071 wow I'm so sorry to hear this - same over here with loosing my mum and my farther remains and drags my name and conjures lies and slander about me all the time despite I've moved out and hardly interact to try and reduce the conflict.. Literally anyone who has experience of narcissists will know it's utter BS and is laughable. It's still disgusting to drag you or your reputation. I've had family I never hear from phone me up to tell me to 'patch things up, he's so upset' dude?? No. if you weren't there and didn't survive that for years then no it's laughable and sick on so many levels. I laughed what I heard about myself from Ex-s being toxic and petty, but a parent? That's genuinely just sick and I'm so sorry you've also had to experience this growing up. no way people could imagine the sort of nonsense unless they've lived through similar as it's just too unbelievable and constant and often times sounds fully insane no matter how it's described.
exactly - my mum got depression from emotional abuse, a gambling addiction and died of cancer after turning to alcohol and having adrenal gland burn-out from years and years of worsening abuse. All the time shouting, yelling, no control over her own finances' Typical abuse. I really can't believe the life she had to go through and how she never broke out from it. With the internet these days I think support networks are easier to come by. She was raised by a narcissist and then she married one. Such a Waste of life as the narcist's don't change or accept their own fault in the situation. I've been in 3 narcissistic relationships that were short and volatile and the 2nd one almost broke me as I was too venerable and was totally exploited. Don't be a people pleaser, don't try to help them. It's not your fault, just keep away right away they only want to destroy you and they literally have no empathy.
This video made me self aware I’m a vulnerable narcissist, I realised retrospectively recently that when I was younger I was incredibly narcissistic (which I wasn’t self aware of at the time), and because of this video I now know I was a vulnerable narcissist. I’m a lot less narcissistic nowadays, but there’s still an undercurrent of it to my personality. Do you have any advice on how I can fully overcome my vulnerable narcissism? Luckily in spite of being a vulnerable narcissist I think I have the ability to:empathise, accept criticism, practice self awareness,and not project too much on to others. Which has lessened the severity of my narcissism but I’m looking for more ways to heal ❤
@ Katty Ude the fact that you're aware of your narcisstic tendencies is a good sign and a good start. From what I understand, narcissism runs on a spectrum--we all have narcisstic tendencies to some degree. And there's such a thing as a healthy level of narcissism. Problems occur when, often due to trauma and/or the way we're raised, we become overly narcisstic. I recognize some narcissistic tendencies in myself, due to a rough childhood, but I'm also high in empathy (I'd be considered an empath), and my empathy keeps my narcissism in check. For which I'm incredibly grateful. So don't be discouraged. There's hope for all of us, as long as we're willing to be honest about ourselves and do the work to change.
@Katty Ude I have a wicked sense of sarcasm and have been known to use it as a weapon whenever I feel threatened. I also have compassion for people but it’s very easy to change gears when I feel attacked. I don’t believe the answer is “religion”. Certainly not organized religion. I do believe that if I could maintain a relationship with God via His Son Jesus Christ, I could live free. Free from the bitterness and the desire to put people in there place who have wronged me. It’s not religion…it’s a relationship. I believe in that. My life is a dichotomy of what I am versus what I want to be. There’s a constant battle within. That’s a fact. I don’t believe it’s about BEING a good person by shear will power but surrendering my hurts and pride to God and letting Him change me. It’s a process. I believe a real Christian is someone who lives out his change BECAUSE he’s been changed (again…a process) not someone who attempts to live a good live to earn favor. For me, Christianity used to be about a list of rules I couldn’t keep. Turns out it’s about saying, “God, I can’t do it. I miss the mark every day. I fall short. I can’t get to Heaven because of me. You payed the price of my short comings and I accept that”. According to the Bible, that’s a Christian. An imperfect person who lives out a better life out of gratitude not duty.
@Eyedentity That’s good. I’m the same I’m not bitter towards my parents and the tough upbringing I had. How do you plan to get to the root of your narcissism though, I have no idea how to do this.
@Katty Ude Yeah. I get it. I’m not consciously bitter towards my dad. I love him and have made peace. The scars are there though. The tendencies are there. It’s not his fault. It’s how I dealt with it. That part was my choice. You’re right, though, it’s probably never going to go away but a good start is self awareness and an attempt to treat it. Treating it, for me, is to get under the surface to the root and not to just treat symptoms.
@Eyedentity What you’re saying about insecurity and lack of self esteem being the origins of narcissism is so true. That’s how my narcissism started, and sometimes I think narcissism is the minds attempt at trying to self treat an insecurity wound; And then the obsession with trying to treat that wound makes you a pretty self-serving, and subsequently self absorbed individual. I’m planning to get therapy but tbh my vulnerable narcissist tendencies, as well as my desire to perceive myself as “holier than thou” to like myself is probably something that’s never gonna go away. All I can do is try to manage it so it doesn’t become self-destructive or destructive to others.
I love this checklist of problem-solving these relationships. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship and asked my therapist for a year if I was a narcissist because I managed by using manipulation as a coping mechanism. Didn't realize it was ok.
Thank you for changing the term from manipulation to coping with the narcissist 🥺 as a victim of his, I couldn’t even think of manipulating him. I feel like the bad one.
This describes the survival dynamic I had with my mom for most of my life. She is a vulnerable, communal narcissist. I really appreciate your videos Dr Grande. They are helping me identify and come to terms with a lot of the toxicity I had to ignore during my childhood. I used to feel ashamed that this is what I came from. But it's not like I chose my circumstances. Breaking down really emotionally charged experiences into facts and patterns helps me process it down to where I can think without reacting to the memories in anger, shame, or resentment.
Well done ,sister...and stay strong. A 54yr old male in Aussie....who himself,has forgiven ME...and not in self denial....my mother has the severe mental health issues...of a COVERT-Narcissist. Sadly...i cant spk to her now....she still sends txt like>> "i dont Deserve this !!".."a mother has the Right, to know her son is alive"...etc.(more 'guilt trips for me....)..not Now !!! Exactly, its not like we chose our childhood circumstances, yet trying to explain those events to my mother now......is Impossible. (She already has painted her 'True reasons of why,these bad events happened. My version and actual truth....Denied, Ridiculed,and attacked. I hope you can stay on talking terms.....but at 50, and still being treated like a 'u must have fried ur brain ,idiot~ Demonizations. I finally realized....a complete STOP and Break Contact...the only way. At least now.....i have 'mental, psyche o logical....Peace. (-_-). Good Luck....love and peace always. * yes...forgiving ONEself First.....is the hardest. We have to contemplate our own morals,self esteem-egos, 'Pride'.....let go of the bad...hang on to the good.....and have far more compassion,empathy and Patience...with others. ONE has to fix,re-invent continually in this everchanging world......and opinions MUST change...if truth is exposed. * my own "Death of the Ego" ...was helped by wks in hospital beds ....contemplating my life,and how i would survive now i couldnt work. I realised i was my own worst enemy with many of my thoughts ....just 'urban legend/ community or cultural tradition'..actual judgements. .......eg~ i work hard, ur a lazy dolebludger/drug addict/+
I’ve watched hundreds of videos on how to deal with the narcissists in my life, and this is hands down the most informative and useful. I appreciate how you included dialogue examples too. It honestly reminds me of talking to a toddler. 😂 Anyway. My hang up is that it feels so insincere to placate these ppl. Even if it’s to my benefit. I know I’m just playing the game but Lord I feel like I’m no better a person if I become a supporter and encourager of their delusions. I need to work through this and appreciate advice from anyone!
it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with, parents, your children, etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
I love when Dr. Grande cracks himself up. "Less disgusting" is how I want to be! We can (must) get away from "romantic" partners, but these tips will always come in handy for dealing with certain work and family folks. Thank you!
My son was married to one. Hopelessly in love. But whatever he did was never enough. He was never good enough. She separated him from his side of the family. She gaslighted him, she lied to him, she cheated on him. All of it was his fault. He finally shot himself.
I’m still married, I want out but hel take the house I bought before we got married. He won’t work or do anything, his true colors are coming out. I’m stuck and trauma bonded with CPTSD . AHhhhhhh
I was friends with a narcissist. Always painting themselves as the victim, and also as a great person who does stuff to help others. After a while the facade fell apart and what was left was the truth. Don’t trust anyone who has a tendency to tell people and act like they’re the victim, boo hoo wa wa. 1) that person has no sense of accountability and inner power or 2) they might be a narcissist.
This doctor is spot on!! You have to go along with them, but you have to be completely convincing because they suffer paranoia as well. They can sense if someone is not genuine.
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with, etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
It's exhausting to keep giving a narcissist what they need to not flare up. I'd rather stay completely away. But if I have to be around it, these are great tips.
I'm deadass laughing my ass OFF! My dad is a narcissist and everything you're saying would work so well on him without any question, it's hilarious 🤣But the one issue is he'll get mad if I don't talk to him for the entire day every day if I started to compliment him, so.. You're right about this not working long term
For those people who have no choice but to interact with the narcissist this advice is very important. Disarming them constantly is the best advice because they are honey badgers if you ever try to take them on.
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with, parents, your children, etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
I once had a narcissist boss, who made my life hell. I realised that I had to get out of the job or I would become seriously sick, both physically and mentally. I used these manipulation techniques instinctively (I had grown up with a narcissist older brother and I had learned it as a way to survive childhood). You feel disgusted with yourself for being dishonest and enabling, but I used it to buy time while I found a way out of the job. It was particularly difficult to get out, as the boss was very wealthy and bought the loyalty of other people in the organisation, and even some of my friends, so I had almost no support from them in a smallish town where he had a lot of influence. The narcissist boss enjoyed my enabling so much that, after I left, he used to ring me out of the blue every now and then to try to lure me back to working for him, choosing times of the day when he thought I would be tired and more susceptible. He was highly intelligent and had studied psychological sales techniques which he tried to use to manipulate me into returning, but fortunately I could see through it.
It's crazy I'm a big big strong 6 6 guy, I'm loud just by existing, in an industry with the kind of people who think everything is about their manhood and pride. I use a lot of these tips to come off passive toward (a huge portion of) people I work with who have huge ego problems. It's generally how I avoid any kind of confrontation.
Sounds like very good advice. It really does seem like everyone is a little bit narcissistic, so this advice could work well with a large number of people. We have to pick and choose, though. Like the doctor says, there has to be sincerity. If we're just trying to manipulate them they'll know it.
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex u have kids with, etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
@Jackie Harb wow I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that. Remember that you are loved and your resilience doesn’t go unnoticed. I hope you find peace and healing.
My sister-in-law is narcissistic she had manipulated most people against me because I refuse to follow her, She even has control of my children which she has convinced them that she is a better mother than me. It’s a bit like being in a cult… if the leader of a cult does not like one person she is able to turn all her monkeys (followers) against me. It hurts because she has manipulated the people I love ❤️. If I am right she will convince them I’m wrong very powerful person. Even if they can see that the wall is yellow but if she says it’s green they all believe her she makes me look stupid When I lived with her, she was like the evil step mother, she made me suffer. Everything and all attention had to be about her, I always lived in her shadows until I decided to live my life she has made everyone hate me, I miss my children
My best friend was a narcissist and once I realized this, I also realized she was done with me but had manipulated me in our friend group to be her "saviour" in a way, so she was trying to get me to stop being friends with her so she could keep face in the friend group and possibly get some sympothy. I utilized the second and third tactics of complimenting her when she would push me (i.e. telling her what a good and supportive friend she was for criticizing me), and I also criticized her (just little things like, "I think the roast is slightly overcooked, but it's good enough) in slight moments when people were around and she would flip into these unbridled rages that left everyone wondering what just happened. Now I technically used these things to manip[ulate her into ending our friendship...which worked, but I did end up losing a lot in the process.
Unfortunately, I'm in a situation right now, in which I must interact with 2 narcissists. I've been trying to stomach being around them for years, and it never gets easier. Avoiding them or cutting them out of my life has been the only thing that's worked for me. Never let them get control over you. NEVER!
You have the most professional explanation, and logical ways to handle a narcissist, that simply put, just can't be walked tossed aside, and walked away from. Thank you for being there, with a voice of reason, and clarity, when I needed it the most. If I can ever help you in any way, do not hesitate to ask. Have a blessed day. Peace out for now, Flyingsun.
As I'm watching this, I'm realizing that I have and do all of these things that you said and honestly, that doesn't work either because it's ALWAYS going to be something, as they love drama and chaos.
What worked for me was instilling a good amount of fear into your narcissist, then they’re doing nothing but thinking about you and your next move, snaps them right out of it.
I think I did this once with a narc friend. He was really out to get me, made my life intolerable. I told his flying monkeys, I had nothing left to loose, I'm going after him physically. After that I never heard from him again. Don't know if it was coincidence or the threat.
@Evil Mommy hysterical….but I’m dead serious….when genuinely scared or think you are unpredictable they are cowards . It just takes some practice (acting) good luck
I lived with one for 9 years and actually subconsciously did all this to keep the peace. IT IS EXHAUSTING and will drain your lifeforce. Not recommended for longer than extremely short term interaction....
Beautiful strategy for living alongside a narcissist-hopefully at a comfortable distance and manageable frequency, but we’re all likely to be in this situation from time to time. It is a great skill to develop because no one’s ever going to change them.
#1: Cut all ties #2: Get into therapy #3: allow yourself to feel, and heal! #4: Stand your ground. DO NOT GO BACK #5: Educate yourself on red flag behaviors so you don't find yourself back at step 1 because of someone else. #6: Allow yourself to understand that you are worthy of healthy love! You deserve healthy love! You CAN achieve a healthy loving relationship! #7: Mullets will never look good on anyone... not related, but still important to the general public.
@TriforceTyff aww! I want to hug you right now! I'm pretty sure you've experienced both (if not just one of) those situations, and I only feel confident in this because of how you worded it...and I've experienced them too... I appreciate you! My comments were actually more ...secretly targeted toward the creator I guess? I think maybe the way he worded title... 10 ways to manipulate a narcissist. ... I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry... Why do I want to stoop to their level? Why not rise above that bs? That's extra energy spent that I shouldn't need to be spending! Not to mention the fact that because I was raised by a narcissist, have Combined ADHD I am a walking ADHD magnet... so.. I kinda go off on little comment tirades when I see stuff that catches my ADHD attention..
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
I’ve been doing this for several years but there is one HUGE disadvantage to this and that is that they will want to contact you through text or phone calls to have you feed them their supply. It’s never enough for them and imagine having 8 narcissists blowing up your phone demanding an ear daily!! It gets old!
The best way I’ve found to deal with any narcissist is to keep them “contained” in a situation. Think about a playground with swings, slide, merrygoround, sandbox. As long as I keep the narc in the sandbox he or she can’t cause havoc on others in the playground. This is how I manage the situation at work. I’m not trying to beat the narc, but limit their damage to others.
Both of my parents are narcissists. This is great. Learned all this growing up. My sister will love this 😂. The disgust is real, and overcoming that is indeed key to proceeding with that relationship. Vulnerable narcissism. One thing to be careful of is that the narcissist may be attempting to play you off of whomever they're complaining about when you choose to play along with who hurt or wronged them. They can try to pull you into their neurotic drama, and will. There is risk, substantial at times. Plz be careful doing any of this. The risks can be profound. Ime it's best to just tell them they have a problem with narcissism, anything else just empowers their negative behavior. Their lack of empathy is key. An ability to "act" is invaluable. Narcissists are less disgusted by other narcissists, which is how the playing along with them helps - they will take you somewhat seriously. Great show
My son said to me, "It's really more a description of a fundamentally bad person than it is a diagnosis." I think I would have to agree. The theory is that they could get better, but no one actually knows because there cannot possibly be anything wrong with them. Why should they seek help?! However, their victims certainly keep good therapists in business. I went no contact. Amen.
Thinking of my own recent situation, just leaving, even though I took a huge financial loss was best. Complimenting when they can be so abusive? The thought, “it would gag a maggot” comes to mind.
I remember watching a BBC series in the 1980s called "I Claudius." Claudius pretended to be an idiot to protect himself from the very toxic characters around him. This reached a zenith when he said to Caligula, "oh you are a God!" Being a smart operator, he knew this would save his life by worshipping this insane malignant narcissist.
I tease them, turn into jokes whenever possible and ignore their actions and comments, occasionally I am nice to them. I never give in. Trying to keep them in the corner I designated for them. It's not easy but it works. I learnt the hard way that they are not capable to be true friends. They are very good pretenders, they perfected deception, which they meticulously plan well in advance, their life is just a performance. Sadly, sometimes, for your own good, you can not get away from them.
Dr. Grande does a great job throwing in subtle jokes that the Narc prolly will not get for a while. They usually unconsciously block any true info that they interpret as painful or possibly detrimental to thems. The joke does effect them though. Like a mountain of pebbles sitting on their craven chests.
Thanks.... I have a bullying 28 yr. o. Grandson living with me & my husband. My narcissist Mother, I got away from, raised him. She died & I found a relief... a Peace I'd never known, then comes my Grandson living here & behaving just like my Mom. I don't just kick him out because I understand the damage done to him by my Mom, after all, she raised me & ( my twin brother committed suicide 💔 because of our childhood abuse ) . Now, here I am, stuck with a bully 😤. All I want is Peace, so any coping skills are greatly appreciated. I'm learning to emotionally detach & my mantra is; " ITS NOT ABOUT ME, ITS ABOUT HIS ISSUES".. walk away & do something I enjoy.
Thank you for this podcast. This is very helpful. I like how you speak about it all with an even handed respect. You are meeting them where they Are in their heads and hearts. This was important for me to understand. Yes, a peace keeping mission why planning my get away plan. Lol I think I will watch this video a couple of times.
When I disengage from a narcissist manipulating and controlling the conversation, I like to point randomly and shout “ Look! A squirrel!” Then I walk away. Positivity to all.❤️🇨🇦
@Delia Jones I usually am familiar with the people I’ve used that on. I have many close friends and musical and artist associates some being highly educated, well read and world travelled . They can get really BOBLOBLAWING sometimes. I work my sarcastic nature and self professed comedy stylings in whenever possible. I play drums😁I don’t go out of my way to hurt somebody’s feelings though. I think of life as one sketch after another.✌️🇨🇦
Precise and helpful! Thanks for the advice, Dr. Grande. These tactics work like magic with the cluster B folks in my life. I try to avoid ever opening up on a personal level and to stay confident in all interactions. Good video to rewatch as a training tool.
I agree. Manipulation is not the way to go. You have to study their behavior, be aware and then make plans to remove yourself from them. Work on yourself instead. Try to understand why you became the narcissist target in the first place. That is what I did. I am narcissist FREE! Good luck!
I think this was very insightful as to what makes a narcissistic person tick. The tragic thing about the narcissist is that he/she/they are people who have been traumatised so deeply as children that they repress their true emotions so that they can no longer distinguish a genuine feeling. And they do not trust others. Therefore, as the Doctor points out, any interaction is potentially risky. So I can understand why so many choose to go no contact.
Thank you for this. I know a daughter, let's call her C (third of three). A (the firstborn) sadly passed away at 23, after a lifelong terminal illness. C is using these some of these tactics by acting as a 'flying monkey' or 'dancing monkey' - but only acting. She is baiting the mother into financial gain by pretending she wants to have children (which is one of the mother's primary goals, she wants to be a grandmother to look good and post more Instagram photos). The C daughter has no genuine intention of having children. Unfortunately, B (the middle child, primary young carer to A) is very authentic, and a scapegoat as a result - constantly punished through financial abuse, neglect and social slander by both the mother and the remaining sibling. The complexity of that level of abuse is...astounding to me.
My roommate is narcissist, well I am a person who don't want to fake kindness, so I got him in line it took me a year and a half, he still wants me to praise him but he learned that he won't get that from me, he still wants me to lie for him to other people well he won't get that either, every time he lied to someone in front of me I just said nope that's not true, he was mad extra mad and was calling me a lier(lier was nicest of all that he called me) but people saw and started to beleve me more, I was just calm and poker face, now every time they are not sure did he tells the truth they shush him up and ask me is that true. He is saying I am dangerous guy, well dangerous to beat wife and me who is 3 times smaller than him, I just showed him that I am not afraid of being beaten and death, once he started to choke me I was just calm didn't flinch, said go ahead, wasn't afraid, before that he wasn't cheap on threat's, after that he saw that i am really not afraid of death and hospital now he doesn't have any leverage, I told him if you hurt me better make sure I can't get up because I will do 10 times worse to you without any emotions, I can shut off my emotions and forget fast if I want to so no problem for me to do anything bad to people who deserve, you just need to prove yourself that you are worthy hahaha. Gave him prove that I am not afraid and will do what I say, now he is 90% better, but I was like that since beginning since first day, I don't recommend being like that if narcissist already control you, he tried to control me but I showed him his place, told him yes you are dangerous to your wife and people like me who are underweight, I would like to see you with someone with your body properties, I tell him that every time he say 'I am dangerous', just recently I added laughing with comment yes to your wife and weak, underweight people like me.
That was really informative, I really found that quite interesting. I’m really curious as to the nature of the potentially disturbing fantasies and dreams that the narcissist may have. Might they be horrific, or is it really more disturbing in the sense that they’re outrageous and unrealistic? I’d also like to learn more about the distinctions between the vulnerable and grandiose narcissist. I’ll be looking through your back catalogue of videos to see what I can find in that regard. Thanks for the video.
The problem I find with all of this is that they just get worse. I used to say that one of the narcs in my family went very quickly from gratitude (for what I was doing for her) to expectation (that of course I would keep doing it) to demand (that if I stopped doing it, I was breaking some kind of trust).
I've been living with my mother for about a year now because I have had some health issues (I am almost 30 now). I have come to realize that she is a vulnerable narcissist and it can be incredibly difficult to live with her at times. She has a complete disregard for other people, unless you can make her feel good about herself. If you show any resistance to how she is doing something, she often flies into a narcissistic rage and comes totally unhinged (if you criticize how she is doing something, or her in any way, she pulls the "I am just worthless, no one cares about me, etc") . Having to move back in with my mother has COMPLETELY changed my opinion of her and I can't wait to get out of here. She is still my mother and cares about me, but I realize now that she is imperfect, whereas before, I thought she was great. She does have some redeeming qualities, but when she thinks she has been slighted, or if you disagree with her in any way, she thinks it is a personal attack. I've learned to just be passive and stay away from any topics we might disagree about. Realizing that she has many narcissistic traits has saved me so much stress.
I've done all these, but only as a child with a sociopathic father. When you're trying not to be killed or injured, these are good tactics. As an adult, it's complete no contact with abusers. At work, its complete gray rock and much documentation. Good luck, all. It's a jungle out there!
As a mother I used almost all of your tips to deal (to make life possible) with a demanding child and I guess I've just enabled and fuelled the incipient narc inside it.
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
My husband, I think, could be a "socio-narcissist," according to the characteristics I've read about online. He is very old, and I think it's just a waiting game at this point to see who outlasts who.
sad. hope you DO outlive him. but it's torture to care for a dying narc, that's for sure! luckily, my ex just stopped taking his seizure meds (out of stubborness) so had endless seizures for a day until he died (on hospice, at a care home, age 54!!!!) i always figure, he went out with "fireworks" in his brain and body, like endless electroconvulsive treatment, which he apparently "needed" or was "given" by God. now he only haunts me in memory, in my head, i still hear his mean comments to me. so weird to watch old movies of us, and see him criticize me and say mean things to me. my reality is pretty weird, but everyone's is, who has survived narc abuse.
Very good advice . When dealing with a narc in the workplace , it is important not to loose your cool , and stay neutral . They are very sick and vindictive .
I grew up with narcissists and am grateful as now finally am learning boundaries. No matter who is in our loves it still all about us learning about us.
The best way to keep peace with a narcissist is avoid interaction as much as possible. Most importantly, this preserves one's inner peace by eliminating an unwelcome stressor.
Thank you for this infor about narcissists, it will help me so much in dealing with my daughter who is a narcissist. She was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 2 but I'm pretty damn sure she is a narcissist by the way she treats me and her son. She hasn't had one meaningful relationship in her life and she is 29. I am thankful for these 10 tools. Thank you.
dealing with a narcissistic ppl really very exhausting..you must be knowledgeable , smart w/o letting them know you are..they never let themselves compete by the high ranking, but they do to their subordinate and lowly🥺 ..all your advises really works 💪 you are right .they could twist the reality into lies to destroy you..
Would you support being able to alert about a coworker (ideally including those in leadership roles) on the basis of narcicistic traits? And then, ideally, they would ger professional evaluation and a probation period…and get fired if they fail to show adaptivity for their role. 😍 One of my biggest fears is encountering a narcicist at work higher than me in the hierarchy.
Yeah I think this advice is good for a more remote narcissist in your life like a boss who has to be dealt with but you’re not personally close or intimate with. I would always try to avoid engaging even to the extent recommended here with the family narcissist. I get through with grey rock as best I can on holidays etc., when having to deal. Of course no contact is best. There no practical fix for toxic personalities just have to navigate the situation as best you can and get away ASAP and stay away or keep engagement to absolute barest minimum where possible. 🥰
The horrible thing is... narcissists really like to make you miserable no matter how happy you make them. They're going to backstab you in the end as hard as they can. And I think it gets worse the more you make them happy, actually. It does make them worse. And worse.
Agree. The more I tried to please and placate, the worse my daughter behaved. I wish I’d cut ties at the first real upheaval because by the secon upheaval she had projected all of her issues onto me. It took months of therapy to understand what had happened. Narcissists love to have you believe that YOU are the narcissist and the one with a cadre of pyscho-social ailments. Master manipulators.
I agree with all the comments about avoiding them as much as possible, and also think it’s great to have some tips for dealing with them when we can’t avoid (work, etc). Most of what I’m hearing here seems to fall under the heading of treating others with empathy and kindness.
My dad had a violent episode while drunk and I ended up calling the cops because it was getting life threatening and there was a weapon. He’s now got the idea that he has to go to court all because of my mom and I, and he’s been saying how the situation apparently wasn’t that bad. (Coming from the guy blackout drunk at the time.) I’ve been already dealing with my own feelings of guilt as a trauma response, but now I even have outside blame... I’m going to try these techniques.. hopefully they help.
I find setting boundries that are win win helps. Like giving the narc notice if change is coming because they hate not being in control. So if you give them heads up on something it helps them feel like they have some control. Meet them half way if you can.
Dr Grande, it’s astounding of all channels/creators/content on KZclip addressing narcissism- you’re the one nailing my specific question on the head! I was unable to word it properly+ accurately. This video popped up within an hour of contemplating it (thinking of ways to phrase the question) and before much searching. Thank you for knowing your sub’s minds + hearts, and current, hot button, events as they unfold.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
I've always known it wasn't me. This started long before I had a mean or cruel bone in my body. And yes, I have a very difficult time hiding my expression of shock and disgust ... And I'm well versed in dealing with my mother's radical and confusing behavior and horrific treatment. I try to love her from a distance, only spending at most 15 minutes around her at a time, and many days/weeks in between exposures. I have PTSP, Bipolar Disorder, Acute Anxiety, Clinical Depression and ADHD from all the abuse and neglect. I'm in treatment and therapy, have been consistently for over 35 years. I still can't tolerate too much of the wildly erratic and demonstrative attacks. It has a very negative and debilitating effect on me for anywhere from 24 to 36 hours at the least. I'm simply not equipped to cope with that frequently. I would become a danger to others and myself. I've got a pretty good handle on my diagnoses via medication management and therapy ... So long as I'm not subjected to abusive treatment and wild changes in attitude toward me ranging from insanely callous to overt and preposterous praise which is easy to see is just a play at manipulation or gaslighting. I no longer fall for those polar opposite attitudes and verbal admonishments. However, she does catch me off-guard about every 2 to 3 months ... That's when we both know a several day or week break needs to happen in order for her to remain physically safe. I become triggered and react with violence very quickly, long before any words will come from my mouth. I've been violence free for a long while now and I have no intention of allowing myself to behave like a wild animal. Any time I've reacted with physical force, I feel horrible about myself, criticize my core being mercilessly, and attack myself emotionally and mentally, on occasion violently to punish myself for allowing someone to cause me to lose control, abuse myself for behaving as if I have zero self control and deserve to be exterminated. It's such a mind-twisting, emotionally decimating state of being. My body will squim around of its own accord, I begin to develop what appears to be a physical tick, spastic movements I cannot bring to a halt, stutter and confuse my speech, become overwhelmed with the slighted chore or task ... It's a soul-crushing way to exist. I don't hate her, in fact I've tried over and over, countless times to repair this relationship ... It's just not possible. I have no father, many of my family members are clearly unstable, however do not discuss or even attempt to comfort or relate to one another about our individual struggles. It's just a den of poor interpersonal function, lies, shame and guilt slinging. Please believe, I've been trying by myself to change these sad and alienating dynamics to no avail. No one is interested in facing it, getting help and learning to be better to and for one another. It's heartbreaking, frankly.
This is amazing. It tells us just how in love with themselves the narcissist really is. It’s no wonder they hate us when we are not treating them like kings or queens 24/7.
I appreciate everything you are posting on here. It has helped me a lot. I am still learning. It's just so hard to remember all of the stuff I've learned from your videos , especially in the heat of the moment. I really believe my ex husband was a narcissist. He was just terrible. I'm afraid though that my current husband has a lot of the same traits . Different and yet the same in so many ways. Once again thank you very very much for helping me and others.
Lmao no wonder the narcissist in my life showed his true colours pretty quickly - I certainly brought it out of him by challenging him more than placating. I definitely kept some stuff inside to try to “pick my battles” (this would later be used against me as “why didn’t you say anything right away? it’s your fault then, I can’t read your mind!” Despite him making it very clear even bringing up a small thing that bothered me communicated in a calm, low-key manner was going to set him off). Growing up as a smart girl, I’ve learned how to bring smart guys back down to earth when their ego is too inflated and they act like they’re better than me - I enjoy asserting myself that way on occasion and I thought the narc & I just “challenged each other” but really I resisted his attempts to dominate which fuelled his narcissistic anger earlier in the relationship than is probably typical
Wow... Exactly what I needed to hear 👏 🙌 🙏🏽. You have given me a Exactly the answer I have been searching for a long time. Thank you very much Dr Grande.
Thank you so much. This piece of information was so very important to me. I am in a family of narcissists. I came to know about narcissism just a month ago, but being a narcissistic survivor ally life, even without knowing and even without meaning to I had been using narcissistic fluffing a lot. And then I used a strategy which blew my mind when I consciously recognized it. I had felt like I was in a lake of several sharks. So I fluffed up the biggest great white shark and stuck to it like a sucker fish to escape from the less powerful narcissists in my family. And all this without even knowing what narcissm is.
I feel that manipulation as a way of dealing with a narcissist is repulsive and actually makes them worse. I personally will avoid them, having been abused for years by one, I learned the best relationship with one, is a zero relationship with them.
Try having your dog that you bought named and trained stolen from you, and your only option to get him back is manipulation, you wouldn't say absolutely anything so you could to get your son/daughter/dog back?
When I have to be around my narcissistic mother, I’ve learned to just not react to her. I’ve learned since I was a child to turn off my emotions in a way. Which is good around her but I’ve been learning that I don’t need to do that for everyone so that’s been hard to deal with
I’m a narcissist‘s worst nightmare. I can easily recognize when they need to be fed. I learned this early in life because I was raised by a narcissist. Wasn’t even aware that these people had a name when I figured out how to defuse their antics.
Very interesting! Particularly in cases where one doesn't have a choice. But much of it seems to me like feeding the monkey. I couldn't keep it up for long with the grandiose narcissist I had in my life. Just stay away if you can! It's not worth the STRESS
The weird thing about living with a narcissist is the feeling that you might be the one who's toxic.
They actually make you toxic. Going through a divorce right now. Just learned he was acting the whole time. He's a complete demon.
Yes this right here ^^ 👏
@ryan r From my understanding, you even questioning and being worried about being one let's you know you're not one. At least that's what I've been led to believe
I'm starting to think either I am or was a narcissist. And now that I'm trying to fix things, I feel that my wife is a narcissist. Maybe I created the problem in our early years and now can't seem to fix our issues because now she's the narcissist.
Amen to that but that’s also what a decent person does I think if u were truly toxic it would not even cross ur mind that ur toxic
“A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.”
- Karla Grimes
@Marilyn Mookodi So extremely sorry, you're going through all this
I hope your Brother is well able to see through his wife
Or is it a case & matter of "love is blind"?
She seems extremely damaged to do such horrendously wicked things
Truly hope others, around her have aware
ness of how cruel she is, so she can't get away with, any of her mind gmes & deceptions
God bless you ✨☘️🙏
My brother married a text book narcissist and from the get go, she set her sights on me. She's a kleptomaniac and then some. She takes what is mine not because she lacks the financial resources to get her own but simply to deny me. If she could she'd take my very life just for the thrill of denying my daughter her mother. She's just rotten to the core.
@Vincent Risalvato yes, God bless you
Sometimes it requires time & much careful planning, before we can escape the narcissists
But either way we must seek justice, & not give up
God bless you&yours ✨☘️🙏
@Scott Freeman So extremely true
One of the worst things they do, is begin their smear campaigns with their flying monkeys
So,,, damaging & destructive to our names, which like you so rightly mention, can cost us the most important things in life
But we mustn't give or stop seeking justice
It takes time for sure, but one step at a time, we must keep fighting for righteous justice, retrieve what they wickedly took from us
Plus 'clear our name'
Don't ever give up & let the demons win
You deserve the very best ✨☘️🙏
In the meantime they can cost you your job and other things
In my opinion, the best way to deal with a narcissist is to take from them your attention. Conflict can not exist without our participation.
Yes! When our own ego needs certain outcomes or reactions or behaviors from others we cannot be free
Thats very true. I live with an narcissist and over time ive seen how much they are affected when I dont pay attention to them and how in a subtle way I completely dissociate and not care at all about anything they do since everything they do is calculated.
Yes! A key part of Grey Rocking isn't just shutting off our external reactions to them, it is redirecting our attention to what is healthiest for us, and letting them go without their permission, approval, or discussion.
great point
My first red flag incident with a recent narcissist was me having boundaries. They took boundaries in a negative way because they don't like when people have them.
@JMFS Wow! That's disgusting.
@Butterfly YES! My NPD/OCPD manager was so offended by me expressing personal boundaries, that he treated it like crossing my boundaries was his entitlement and I needed to learn my place.
@Get Help Sorry. The wording I used in that sentence is confusing. Boundaries that I had considered common sense my entire life, were aloofly ignored by an NPD/OCPD manager at work, and they took great offense to me stating my boundaries, and decided to "teach me a lesson" by being even more disrespectful of my boundaries.
@truffaut650 truffaut They did the opposite of leave. They ramped it up even harder.
Thats when they often leave👌🏽
I love how he brings up the fact that sometimes you can't avoid the narcissist because they are your boss or your co-workers. In today's age, you will often encounter narcissistic people in every social setting, so going no contact is not the solution.
@Rose Leoni the advent of social media and the need for validation/adulation. More easily obtained via this medium and a haven for these types of people.
@msredcurtains difficult. I just think it is getting more prevalent due to social media, it seems promote this type of person. Be very selective on who you form friendships and relationships with. Any early warning signs be prepared to back away quickly. In regards to the workplace that's more difficult and you may find you are in a completely unfair situation. If you are being bullied in the workplace and go to HR they will probably 'investigate' your complaint and give you the brush off, siding with your manager. It might come down to having to change jobs, if that's feasible.
@Rose Leoni multiple reasons at once, mainly stemming from our hegemonic economic system and the psychological effects of heightened individualism paired with the shattering of communities in addition to the splitting of identities due to the forced need to be online and social pressures involved with having an online persona. Of course this is just my opinion
@Rose Leoni Funny you should ask that.
“SOMETIMES IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS YOU JUST NEED TO SURVIVE” 😭😭😭 someone finally gets it❤️ some of us have no way out😔
There is always a way out unless you choose to be in that prison. If you are in an abusive situation and you cannot leave without physical and mental harm to you and others, the fact you are kept from leaving, IS ABUSE itself. There are avenues for help available. You need to seek them out. Make your plans and get out of the situation. Were you born so that you could spend your life in this prison?
You're not wrong, TY for that most necessary comment. 🧡
For reaaal
There is no "Peace" WITH a narcissist. However there is a "PEACE" WITHOUT a narcissist. You do not negotiate with the devil !!!
Unless you HAVE to negotiate with them. Example...coparenting with an ex because you are legally forced to. You need to find a way to have peace with each other.
i tried a peaceful handshake after the break...it just gets worse
It depends on the situation. I have a narc baby daddy and I'm not leaving any time before I achieve my goal. The tips were great for me.
It seems to me that narcissists are beyond redemption and beyond help. Trying to deal with them is ultimately a futile exercise. Stay away from them!
@Dank Dancer Kriissii I’m curious what that would look like, I’ve had contemplations about it as I did see a therapist for anxiety when I was younger and I have recently realized my behaviours but yet again, I just can’t justify morality and integrity doing much benefit for me and I wouldn’t have gotten everything I have without being such a selfish asshole. Again I know exactly what I’m doing but I see everyone else playing by the rules and it looks boring and like a lot more work when I can be a little lazy, skimp on some rules and get what I want. The world isn’t fair and people have all different types of advantages and disadvantages, it’s just evening the playing field.
@Raya Gray that’s actually not a bad tactic and I have run into that situation but the only time I actually ever cut someone off I truly cared about was they were actually another narcissist and that behaviour had gone one for years and I mean years, unless your willing to essentially destroy your morality and integrity, I wouldn’t recommend that because you will have to play a very long game as that’s how we play. And even if you do win in the end, in my eyes if I was fundamentally able to manipulate you so badly that you had to change your personality just to engage with me, I would probably see it as a win. And than leave lol.
Not true. I'm a NDP. I'm changing
Exactly. Stop wasting your life. Stop entertaining their presence.
My motto is this... when I want to treat the narcissist the way they treat me, don't. This stuff is so draining. I'm done. In the middle of the reverse discard.
They want a fight. It will justify the "revenge", and they will deal it sevenfold. I just want peace. For both of us. We're both crazy though.
They want your energy. They can get the gift of my silence.
As the guy in the video said, this is for people who are in the midst of the narccisisst grasp who aren't able to get away yet.
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective *Metaspyhub@gmail. com* . Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
@PATISLAV i hear you, all same here, took me over 10 years to forget about it. But it seems now like a passed life. I honestly just realized randomly watching this vid that he was a narcissist, i mean now!! and it all comes back as yesterday... all comments match him perfectly. But i know now, his failures, his insecurities , or his ways of living in a cloud far way from people, ARE NOT MINE, the world is as beautiful, and it goes back to beautiful...and we must remember WE, are lucky to see that without any help.
Congratulations on saving yourself and your daughter from that terrible situation! May you have a wonderful life in the future
At least women can get paid after marrying an "asole" . As a man, the female "asole" leaves n I get nothing but memories of great s ex and total insanity 😁😁😁😆
@Sabrina Northern I'm sorry I try n do the spying myself 😂
Anyone who's lived long enough with a true narcissist will never go through it again. You learn quickly what behavior to look for in a person and push them away instantly.
❤❤🎉🎉🎉🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽💣
The most infuriating aspect about dealing with narcissists is that you can’t challenge them. They are not like typical jerks who can be *“put in their place”* - you have to give them their way or avoid them. 😅
The level of guilt buried deep inside of them is hard to penetrate. Any excuse for them to not deal with that, they will take. I just want the madness to be over. Life is too short to be at war 24/7. I genuinely feel really bad for him.
@darkprince56 Thanks for your reply. I haven't left him for many reasons and one of them is my very strong faith. And yes, I have minor children, which for the most part, my husband is very good to. (Sometimes he does get quite belligerent and exasperating with them but it is only in very small doses) There are other reasons too but for my faith, even tho I am struggling a lot in this marriage, God's hand is in this and He has greater things ahead for this. Jeremiah 28:11
@Chele why haven’t you left him yet? Children? If so and they’re still minors please don’t subject them to the damage having him as a father is causing. My mom had the same problem and decided to run away with me when I was 5. My dad’s a wife-beating narcissist
True true. U never have civil conversation
I think these exercises are for people who are in situations with narcissists where they can't run yet, but need to keep the peace for a certain amount of time in order to live.
You are very right 💯
your comment really define me. 100% agreed.
🎉🎉🎉
@Miss K Sad to hear. Fingers crossed for you.
That's me I have kids.. keep the peace till one day I will be free
These steps are a guide to show submission to the narcissist, and give up all your dignity in order to please them. It’s not manipulation, it’s not management, and it’s not going to bring peace to your mind. It’s basically giving up and fake your treatment towards them. I was hoping for the “part 2” of the video but it never came.
Eeeeek. The only way this could be good advice is in trying to survive in a workplace situation
@PurpleKittyKelly i...agree? I'm not sure where you got the impression I didn't? Parents are a tricky one because it's almost impossible to not get sucked back in when you have a large family. Especially when they're dying. But the first rule of thumb is, if you can get out, get OUT.
“Sometimes in certain situations, you just need to survive.”
@Heather Taylor I don’t necessarily think that he’s talking about someone who’s been abusive, and very close, like a romantic partner parent. I think it’s more like a coworker, a teacher, somebody like that. Somebody that you have to deal with, and just get through the day with. I think this advice for a narcissistic ex would be a bad idea, but for those every once in a while, not a bad idea.
it’s one of those “if you have to deal with them“ kind of situation. I don’t think he’s necessarily talking about our close relationships, like parents or romantic relationships, but more so the acquaintance, coworker, etc. person that we run into.
Manipulate a Narcissist-------1. Never be obviously negatively stunned (never show disgust). 2. Avoid criticizing them. 3. Compliment them. (Butter them up, but be sincere.) Be impressed with them. Compare them to high-status individuals. Make them think they are special, legendary. 4. Double-check advice from higher-ups, experts with them. (consult them) 5. Be mad on their behalf. "It's sad that others cannot see how great you are." 6. Ask for their advice and be amazed at their reply. "I never would have thought of that." 7. Offer to help them....join with them to meet a common goal. 8. Ask them about their dreams and don't be mortified by their reply. Be excited not disgusted by their fantasies. Don't make suggestions about how to improve that. 9. Empathize with their feelings. "Everyone is too touchy-feely these days.". "Some people can be so stubborn." 10. Appear good or great, but let them know you see them above you.
Basically, be a psychopath. Interesting how this plays like a rock, paper, scissor game.
Wow, great advice. Thank you! I'm going to study and use everyday until I perfect it....and then skidadle 🤗😘🥰
One question: How much experience have you had dealing with a narcissist?
I would guess you do not live with one.
@Womanof God2607 However the devil is everywhere you go. Sometimes one is forced to confront him in human flesh.
If you need to manipulate anyone to be happy or survive then you stayed too long in that relationship. Don't lower yourself to manipulation of another human being. Just make your own life and fill it with positive people. You cannot make a human change.
that's why he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them.
These are the exact words that help very few to no one.
For those of us who already stayed too long, the tips are not about changing the narc but managing to survive around them without intoxication.
I think this is one of my favorite videos by you, and actually others’ videos, about narcissism because you really point out the soft underbelly on them.
People tend to view narcissists as having a lot of self confidence and strength when they are actually like a rotting piece of food. It still has a beautiful, fresh appearance but when you cut into them, there’s a very mealy, weak center.
If you keep injecting them with water and wax them, they maintain their appearance but they’re really being held together by empty praise and self deception.
Admire from afar because if you try to take a a bite you’ll be hungrier than you felt before you experienced them. If you keep trying to eat them, you’ll get very sick or die.
wow
What’s interesting is I’ve employed some of these tactics with my father who is a hardcore narcissist. I was surprised to find out that I came up with some of these tips on my own years ago. I’ve been looking for ways to up my game which is why I’m here lol.
Yes 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
@GoGo 3
Same.
What a kind compliment any man would love. Anyway the first breakuo email said my sense of humor and intellect were what she dessired in me and how truly heartbroken she was. The second email mentjined jokes and various outrageous lies things i just woukdnt say and how awfuk my sense if humor was. What was never mentioned why i was at faukt for her five month affair immediateley beginning after my dad dying. These two emaiks are the only proof i have. The years of abuse people just wounkdnt understand Its as if every time she punched men SHE woukd have a black eye and okaying the victim. The injustice of it makes me sick.
My dad did all this with my narcissist mom for years, telling her she was always right, apologizing when she attacked him & flattering her all the time (especially as he was getting older and had lost all stamina to fight her). What he gained was a major depression, alcoholism and cancer, trying to keep it all inside for so long.
Yup been doing it 10 years and can no longer do it.
We are both doing marriage counseling and I'm arming myself now that cats outta the bag and I have a playbook. I have 3 kids involved so there is no backing out
@narcelian krisa Took me until recently to realize my mom is a Narc. She affected my dad ( now deceased ). He took it out on me. My theory- stress hormones accumulated, he had to roll 'em down hill on me. Odd thing- mom has chilled and mellowed the last 15 years ( she's in her 90's). She shed her automatic demeaning statements, happier and there's hope for older aged Narcs ... unless she regresses in her 100's.
@Violexie0071 wow I'm so sorry to hear this - same over here with loosing my mum and my farther remains and drags my name and conjures lies and slander about me all the time despite I've moved out and hardly interact to try and reduce the conflict.. Literally anyone who has experience of narcissists will know it's utter BS and is laughable. It's still disgusting to drag you or your reputation. I've had family I never hear from phone me up to tell me to 'patch things up, he's so upset' dude?? No. if you weren't there and didn't survive that for years then no it's laughable and sick on so many levels. I laughed what I heard about myself from Ex-s being toxic and petty, but a parent? That's genuinely just sick and I'm so sorry you've also had to experience this growing up. no way people could imagine the sort of nonsense unless they've lived through similar as it's just too unbelievable and constant and often times sounds fully insane no matter how it's described.
exactly - my mum got depression from emotional abuse, a gambling addiction and died of cancer after turning to alcohol and having adrenal gland burn-out from years and years of worsening abuse. All the time shouting, yelling, no control over her own finances' Typical abuse. I really can't believe the life she had to go through and how she never broke out from it. With the internet these days I think support networks are easier to come by. She was raised by a narcissist and then she married one. Such a Waste of life as the narcist's don't change or accept their own fault in the situation. I've been in 3 narcissistic relationships that were short and volatile and the 2nd one almost broke me as I was too venerable and was totally exploited. Don't be a people pleaser, don't try to help them. It's not your fault, just keep away right away they only want to destroy you and they literally have no empathy.
yes, it will make you ill. my favorite quote, "a person with NPD doesn't suffer, those around the NPD person do." (or something like that)
This video made me self aware I’m a vulnerable narcissist, I realised retrospectively recently that when I was younger I was incredibly narcissistic (which I wasn’t self aware of at the time), and because of this video I now know I was a vulnerable narcissist. I’m a lot less narcissistic nowadays, but there’s still an undercurrent of it to my personality. Do you have any advice on how I can fully overcome my vulnerable narcissism?
Luckily in spite of being a vulnerable narcissist I think I have the ability to:empathise, accept criticism, practice self awareness,and not project too much on to others. Which has lessened the severity of my narcissism but I’m looking for more ways to heal ❤
@ Katty Ude the fact that you're aware of your narcisstic tendencies is a good sign and a good start. From what I understand, narcissism runs on a spectrum--we all have narcisstic tendencies to some degree. And there's such a thing as a healthy level of narcissism. Problems occur when, often due to trauma and/or the way we're raised, we become overly narcisstic. I recognize some narcissistic tendencies in myself, due to a rough childhood, but I'm also high in empathy (I'd be considered an empath), and my empathy keeps my narcissism in check. For which I'm incredibly grateful. So don't be discouraged. There's hope for all of us, as long as we're willing to be honest about ourselves and do the work to change.
@Katty Ude I have a wicked sense of sarcasm and have been known to use it as a weapon whenever I feel threatened. I also have compassion for people but it’s very easy to change gears when I feel attacked.
I don’t believe the answer is “religion”. Certainly not organized religion. I do believe that if I could maintain a relationship with God via His Son Jesus Christ, I could live free. Free from the bitterness and the desire to put people in there place who have wronged me.
It’s not religion…it’s a relationship. I believe in that. My life is a dichotomy of what I am versus what I want to be. There’s a constant battle within. That’s a fact. I don’t believe it’s about BEING a good person by shear will power but surrendering my hurts and pride to God and letting Him change me. It’s a process. I believe a real Christian is someone who lives out his change BECAUSE he’s been changed (again…a process) not someone who attempts to live a good live to earn favor. For me, Christianity used to be about a list of rules I couldn’t keep. Turns out it’s about saying, “God, I can’t do it. I miss the mark every day. I fall short. I can’t get to Heaven because of me. You payed the price of my short comings and I accept that”. According to the Bible, that’s a Christian. An imperfect person who lives out a better life out of gratitude not duty.
@Eyedentity That’s good. I’m the same I’m not bitter towards my parents and the tough upbringing I had. How do you plan to get to the root of your narcissism though, I have no idea how to do this.
@Katty Ude Yeah. I get it. I’m not consciously bitter towards my dad. I love him and have made peace. The scars are there though. The tendencies are there. It’s not his fault. It’s how I dealt with it. That part was my choice. You’re right, though, it’s probably never going to go away but a good start is self awareness and an attempt to treat it. Treating it, for me, is to get under the surface to the root and not to just treat symptoms.
@Eyedentity What you’re saying about insecurity and lack of self esteem being the origins of narcissism is so true. That’s how my narcissism started, and sometimes I think narcissism is the minds attempt at trying to self treat an insecurity wound; And then the obsession with trying to treat that wound makes you a pretty self-serving, and subsequently self absorbed individual. I’m planning to get therapy but tbh my vulnerable narcissist tendencies, as well as my desire to perceive myself as “holier than thou” to like myself is probably something that’s never gonna go away. All I can do is try to manage it so it doesn’t become self-destructive or destructive to others.
I love this checklist of problem-solving these relationships. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship and asked my therapist for a year if I was a narcissist because I managed by using manipulation as a coping mechanism. Didn't realize it was ok.
Thank you for changing the term from manipulation to coping with the narcissist 🥺 as a victim of his, I couldn’t even think of manipulating him. I feel like the bad one.
This describes the survival dynamic I had with my mom for most of my life. She is a vulnerable, communal narcissist. I really appreciate your videos Dr Grande. They are helping me identify and come to terms with a lot of the toxicity I had to ignore during my childhood. I used to feel ashamed that this is what I came from. But it's not like I chose my circumstances. Breaking down really emotionally charged experiences into facts and patterns helps me process it down to where I can think without reacting to the memories in anger, shame, or resentment.
@Dean Hall 🙏🏽💜💪🏽
Well done ,sister...and stay strong. A 54yr old male in Aussie....who himself,has forgiven ME...and not in self denial....my mother has the severe mental health issues...of a COVERT-Narcissist. Sadly...i cant spk to her now....she still sends txt like>> "i dont Deserve this !!".."a mother has the Right, to know her son is alive"...etc.(more 'guilt trips for me....)..not Now !!!
Exactly, its not like we chose our childhood circumstances, yet trying to explain those events to my mother now......is Impossible. (She already has painted her 'True reasons of why,these bad events happened. My version and actual truth....Denied, Ridiculed,and attacked.
I hope you can stay on talking terms.....but at 50, and still being treated like a 'u must have fried ur brain ,idiot~ Demonizations. I finally realized....a complete STOP and Break Contact...the only way. At least now.....i have 'mental, psyche o logical....Peace. (-_-).
Good Luck....love and peace always.
* yes...forgiving ONEself First.....is the hardest. We have to contemplate our own morals,self esteem-egos, 'Pride'.....let go of the bad...hang on to the good.....and have far more compassion,empathy and Patience...with others. ONE has to fix,re-invent continually in this everchanging world......and opinions MUST change...if truth is exposed.
* my own "Death of the Ego" ...was helped by wks in hospital beds ....contemplating my life,and how i would survive now i couldnt work. I realised i was my own worst enemy with many of my thoughts ....just 'urban legend/ community or cultural tradition'..actual judgements.
.......eg~ i work hard, ur a lazy dolebludger/drug addict/+
I’ve watched hundreds of videos on how to deal with the narcissists in my life, and this is hands down the most informative and useful. I appreciate how you included dialogue examples too. It honestly reminds me of talking to a toddler. 😂
Anyway. My hang up is that it feels so insincere to placate these ppl. Even if it’s to my benefit. I know I’m just playing the game but Lord I feel like I’m no better a person if I become a supporter and encourager of their delusions. I need to work through this and appreciate advice from anyone!
Good luck with the search
Absolutely
"Best revenge for a narcassist is cut the contact, when you start to heal, and when you succeed. Move on and be great."
it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with, parents, your children, etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
100%
Nah.. best revenge is a wood chipper
Amen
"Yeah. I'd never thought of it like that before." They fall for that one every time.
It’s like dealing with a child.
“We never would have figured this out without you.” Is another one.
I love when Dr. Grande cracks himself up. "Less disgusting" is how I want to be! We can (must) get away from "romantic" partners, but these tips will always come in handy for dealing with certain work and family folks. Thank you!
I love this. New insight into narcissists. Was married to one. Still recovering
@wylykyotysI'm so sorry for your loss.
My son was married to one. Hopelessly in love. But whatever he did was never enough. He was never good enough. She separated him from his side of the family. She gaslighted him, she lied to him, she cheated on him. All of it was his fault. He finally shot himself.
good luck . the hardest is to leave
I’m still married, I want out but hel take the house I bought before we got married. He won’t work or do anything, his true colors are coming out. I’m stuck and trauma bonded with CPTSD . AHhhhhhh
Me too. Good luck with recovery.
I was friends with a narcissist. Always painting themselves as the victim, and also as a great person who does stuff to help others. After a while the facade fell apart and what was left was the truth. Don’t trust anyone who has a tendency to tell people and act like they’re the victim, boo hoo wa wa. 1) that person has no sense of accountability and inner power or 2) they might be a narcissist.
This doctor is spot on!! You have to go along with them, but you have to be completely convincing because they suffer paranoia as well. They can sense if someone is not genuine.
When dealing with a narcissist, record every thing that they say. Trust me, you'll need the proof later on.
@Lucinda Blansett don’t show them or let them know u have it
So true!
They never take responsible
I do
@Kay Kerley 😎
I feel these tips apply more to a work environment then for a private family setting
@TriforceTyffin the ex situation with kids like you said above these tips dont help that much.
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with, etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
I now realise I've been doing most of these to handle my narcissistic mother. The hard part is not to laugh or be disgusted at their fantasies.
It's exhausting to keep giving a narcissist what they need to not flare up. I'd rather stay completely away. But if I have to be around it, these are great tips.
I'm deadass laughing my ass OFF! My dad is a narcissist and everything you're saying would work so well on him without any question, it's hilarious 🤣But the one issue is he'll get mad if I don't talk to him for the entire day every day if I started to compliment him, so.. You're right about this not working long term
For those people who have no choice but to interact with the narcissist this advice is very important. Disarming them constantly is the best advice because they are honey badgers if you ever try to take them on.
You're fighting a losing battle no matter what you do with them.....just run at all cost
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with, parents, your children, etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
its setup from the beginning that we will loose . tragic but true . please just count and take your loses, run and rebuild !
@Mr. Wonderful 👍👍
lol
Be excited and not disgusted by narcissists is something I find soooo difficult.
I once had a narcissist boss, who made my life hell. I realised that I had to get out of the job or I would become seriously sick, both physically and mentally. I used these manipulation techniques instinctively (I had grown up with a narcissist older brother and I had learned it as a way to survive childhood). You feel disgusted with yourself for being dishonest and enabling, but I used it to buy time while I found a way out of the job. It was particularly difficult to get out, as the boss was very wealthy and bought the loyalty of other people in the organisation, and even some of my friends, so I had almost no support from them in a smallish town where he had a lot of influence. The narcissist boss enjoyed my enabling so much that, after I left, he used to ring me out of the blue every now and then to try to lure me back to working for him, choosing times of the day when he thought I would be tired and more susceptible. He was highly intelligent and had studied psychological sales techniques which he tried to use to manipulate me into returning, but fortunately I could see through it.
Whew. I'm glad you picked up on it. All those flying monkeys makes it extra hard.
Very informative. I am a nurse and I have to tip toe around patients who come in to do what I need them to do without taking away their control
It's crazy I'm a big big strong 6 6 guy, I'm loud just by existing, in an industry with the kind of people who think everything is about their manhood and pride. I use a lot of these tips to come off passive toward (a huge portion of) people I work with who have huge ego problems. It's generally how I avoid any kind of confrontation.
Sounds like very good advice. It really does seem like everyone is a little bit narcissistic, so this advice could work well with a large number of people. We have to pick and choose, though. Like the doctor says, there has to be sincerity. If we're just trying to manipulate them they'll know it.
RUN! trying to be on a narcissists good side is so draining and demeaning
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex u have kids with, etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
@Jackie Harb wow I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that. Remember that you are loved and your resilience doesn’t go unnoticed. I hope you find peace and healing.
My sister-in-law is narcissistic she had manipulated most people against me because I refuse to follow her,
She even has control of my children which she has convinced them that she is a better mother than me. It’s a bit like being in a cult… if the leader of a cult does not like one person she is able to turn all her monkeys (followers) against me. It hurts because she has manipulated the people I love ❤️. If I am right she will convince them I’m wrong very powerful person. Even if they can see that the wall is yellow but if she says it’s green they all believe her she makes me look stupid
When I lived with her, she was like the evil step mother, she made me suffer. Everything and all attention had to be about her, I always lived in her shadows until I decided to live my life she has made everyone hate me, I miss my children
My best friend was a narcissist and once I realized this, I also realized she was done with me but had manipulated me in our friend group to be her "saviour" in a way, so she was trying to get me to stop being friends with her so she could keep face in the friend group and possibly get some sympothy. I utilized the second and third tactics of complimenting her when she would push me (i.e. telling her what a good and supportive friend she was for criticizing me), and I also criticized her (just little things like, "I think the roast is slightly overcooked, but it's good enough) in slight moments when people were around and she would flip into these unbridled rages that left everyone wondering what just happened. Now I technically used these things to manip[ulate her into ending our friendship...which worked, but I did end up losing a lot in the process.
Unfortunately, I'm in a situation right now, in which I must interact with 2 narcissists. I've been trying to stomach being around them for years, and it never gets easier. Avoiding them or cutting them out of my life has been the only thing that's worked for me. Never let them get control over you. NEVER!
You have the most professional explanation, and logical ways to handle a narcissist, that simply put, just can't be walked tossed aside, and walked away from. Thank you for being there, with a voice of reason, and clarity, when I needed it the most. If I can ever help you in any way, do not hesitate to ask. Have a blessed day. Peace out for now, Flyingsun.
As I'm watching this, I'm realizing that I have and do all of these things that you said and honestly, that doesn't work either because it's ALWAYS going to be something, as they love drama and chaos.
What worked for me was instilling a good amount of fear into your narcissist, then they’re doing nothing but thinking about you and your next move, snaps them right out of it.
@Jehona Nikqi Narc sister and Narc friend?..... how many narcs do you know?
I think I did this once with a narc friend. He was really out to get me, made my life intolerable. I told his flying monkeys, I had nothing left to loose, I'm going after him physically. After that I never heard from him again. Don't know if it was coincidence or the threat.
How do you do that
@tlake I'm not going to jail for her! She's shown me her true colors many times! I've moved on and am letting karma do the dirty work!
@Evil Mommy hysterical….but I’m dead serious….when genuinely scared or think you are unpredictable they are cowards . It just takes some practice (acting) good luck
I lived with one for 9 years and actually subconsciously did all this to keep the peace. IT IS EXHAUSTING and will drain your lifeforce. Not recommended for longer than extremely short term interaction....
@Kelly Stanovich try 31 years and still stuck ☠️
@linlinali yup 💯 true
Cat Dog narcissist 😒
@Butterfly Girl teach me!
Beautiful strategy for living alongside a narcissist-hopefully at a comfortable distance and manageable frequency, but we’re all likely to be in this situation from time to time. It is a great skill to develop because no one’s ever going to change them.
#1: Cut all ties
#2: Get into therapy
#3: allow yourself to feel, and heal!
#4: Stand your ground. DO NOT GO BACK
#5: Educate yourself on red flag behaviors so you don't find yourself back at step 1 because of someone else.
#6: Allow yourself to understand that you are worthy of healthy love! You deserve healthy love! You CAN achieve a healthy loving relationship!
#7: Mullets will never look good on anyone... not related, but still important to the general public.
@TriforceTyff aww! I want to hug you right now! I'm pretty sure you've experienced both (if not just one of) those situations, and I only feel confident in this because of how you worded it...and I've experienced them too...
I appreciate you!
My comments were actually more ...secretly targeted toward the creator I guess? I think maybe the way he worded title... 10 ways to manipulate a narcissist.
...
I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry...
Why do I want to stoop to their level?
Why not rise above that bs? That's extra energy spent that I shouldn't need to be spending!
Not to mention the fact that because I was raised by a narcissist, have Combined ADHD I am a walking ADHD magnet... so..
I kinda go off on little comment tirades when I see stuff that catches my ADHD attention..
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
I’ve been doing this for several years but there is one HUGE disadvantage to this and that is that they will want to contact you through text or phone calls to have you feed them their supply. It’s never enough for them and imagine having 8 narcissists blowing up your phone demanding an ear daily!! It gets old!
The best way I’ve found to deal with any narcissist is to keep them “contained” in a situation. Think about a playground with swings, slide, merrygoround, sandbox. As long as I keep the narc in the sandbox he or she can’t cause havoc on others in the playground. This is how I manage the situation at work. I’m not trying to beat the narc, but limit their damage to others.
Both of my parents are narcissists. This is great. Learned all this growing up. My sister will love this 😂. The disgust is real, and overcoming that is indeed key to proceeding with that relationship. Vulnerable narcissism. One thing to be careful of is that the narcissist may be attempting to play you off of whomever they're complaining about when you choose to play along with who hurt or wronged them. They can try to pull you into their neurotic drama, and will. There is risk, substantial at times. Plz be careful doing any of this. The risks can be profound. Ime it's best to just tell them they have a problem with narcissism, anything else just empowers their negative behavior. Their lack of empathy is key. An ability to "act" is invaluable. Narcissists are less disgusted by other narcissists, which is how the playing along with them helps - they will take you somewhat seriously. Great show
In my experience the best way to deal with a narcissist is to avoid all contact. Your quality of life will improve 100%.
Right but the world is full of them and its hard to ignore them in the workplace..this is good advice🙂
True but unfortunately I am stuck living with one....but I'm definitely working on getting out
We can't all do that if you share children. And sometimes you do have to play the same game because the abuse never stops.
Well sometimes its harder than that- could be a classmate/coworker/someone u HAVE2 deal with
100% agreement
My son said to me, "It's really more a description of a fundamentally bad person than it is a diagnosis." I think I would have to agree. The theory is that they could get better, but no one actually knows because there cannot possibly be anything wrong with them. Why should they seek help?! However, their victims certainly keep good therapists in business. I went no contact. Amen.
"It's really more a description of a fundamentally bad person than it is a diagnosis." WOWWWW... whew this is so spot-on, girl.
Thinking of my own recent situation, just leaving, even though I took a huge financial loss was best. Complimenting when they can be so abusive? The thought, “it would gag a maggot” comes to mind.
it literally brings me physical pain, but it's worth it to avoid a delusional tirade.
I feel this. I am incapable of that level of theatrics .
I remember watching a BBC series in the 1980s called "I Claudius." Claudius pretended to be an idiot to protect himself from the very toxic characters around him. This reached a zenith when he said to Caligula, "oh you are a God!" Being a smart operator, he knew this would save his life by worshipping this insane malignant narcissist.
Such a great series, and I have never thought of it that way, but you are oh so right, and Claudius outlived them all
I tease them, turn into jokes whenever possible and ignore their actions and comments, occasionally I am nice to them. I never give in. Trying to keep them in the corner I designated for them. It's not easy but it works. I learnt the hard way that they are not capable to be true friends. They are very good pretenders, they perfected deception, which they meticulously plan well in advance, their life is just a performance. Sadly, sometimes, for your own good, you can not get away from them.
"Corners I designed for them" hahah killer 😅😅
@Sara Courtemanche whats grey rock?
Dr. Grande does a great job throwing in subtle jokes that the Narc prolly will not get for a while. They usually unconsciously block any true info that they interpret as painful or possibly detrimental to thems. The joke does effect them though. Like a mountain of pebbles sitting on their craven chests.
Then they beat the snot out of you and lock you in a closet. I'm finally recognizing that Grey rock is best.
Thanks.... I have a bullying 28 yr. o. Grandson living with me & my husband. My narcissist Mother, I got away from, raised him. She died & I found a relief... a Peace I'd never known, then comes my Grandson living here & behaving just like my Mom. I don't just kick him out because I understand the damage done to him by my Mom, after all, she raised me & ( my twin brother committed suicide 💔 because of our childhood abuse ) . Now, here I am, stuck with a bully 😤. All I want is Peace, so any coping skills are greatly appreciated. I'm learning to emotionally detach & my mantra is; " ITS NOT ABOUT ME, ITS ABOUT HIS ISSUES".. walk away & do something I enjoy.
Thank you for this podcast. This is very helpful. I like how you speak about it all with an even handed respect. You are meeting them where they Are in their heads and hearts. This was important for me to understand. Yes, a peace keeping mission why planning my get away plan. Lol I think I will watch this video a couple of times.
When I disengage from a narcissist manipulating and controlling the conversation, I like to point randomly and shout “ Look! A squirrel!” Then I walk away. Positivity to all.❤️🇨🇦
Why did I laugh so hard? 😂😂😂😂😂
Very good idea 😃
@Delia Jones I usually am familiar with the people I’ve used that on. I have many close friends and musical and artist associates some being highly educated, well read and world travelled . They can get really BOBLOBLAWING sometimes. I work my sarcastic nature and self professed comedy stylings in whenever possible.
I play drums😁I don’t go out of my way to hurt somebody’s feelings though. I think of life as one sketch after another.✌️🇨🇦
They hate you for that too! I think its hilarious.
This is very funny but it could be a really good diversionary tactic… Just draw attention away from the narcissist! Good to try
Thank you for all your videos. You have made my brain so much more wrinkled and I can’t thank you enough for it.
Precise and helpful! Thanks for the advice, Dr. Grande. These tactics work like magic with the cluster B folks in my life. I try to avoid ever opening up on a personal level and to stay confident in all interactions. Good video to rewatch as a training tool.
I agree. Manipulation is not the way to go. You have to study their behavior, be aware and then make plans to remove yourself from them. Work on yourself instead. Try to understand why you became the narcissist target in the first place. That is what I did. I am narcissist FREE! Good luck!
I think this was very insightful as to what makes a narcissistic person tick. The tragic thing about the narcissist is that he/she/they are people who have been traumatised so deeply as children that they repress their true emotions so that they can no longer distinguish a genuine feeling. And they do not trust others. Therefore, as the Doctor points out, any interaction is potentially risky. So I can understand why so many choose to go no contact.
Thank you for this. I know a daughter, let's call her C (third of three). A (the firstborn) sadly passed away at 23, after a lifelong terminal illness. C is using these some of these tactics by acting as a 'flying monkey' or 'dancing monkey' - but only acting. She is baiting the mother into financial gain by pretending she wants to have children (which is one of the mother's primary goals, she wants to be a grandmother to look good and post more Instagram photos). The C daughter has no genuine intention of having children.
Unfortunately, B (the middle child, primary young carer to A) is very authentic, and a scapegoat as a result - constantly punished through financial abuse, neglect and social slander by both the mother and the remaining sibling. The complexity of that level of abuse is...astounding to me.
Keep in mind, that peace isn't always worth having. Especially if as a result you're not at peace with yourself.
Amen!
AMEN
I don't have time for these people, I find them exhausting! I can't be bothered
@Samir Dončić so basically your coping skills is just to out-narcissist him?
My roommate is narcissist, well I am a person who don't want to fake kindness, so I got him in line it took me a year and a half, he still wants me to praise him but he learned that he won't get that from me, he still wants me to lie for him to other people well he won't get that either, every time he lied to someone in front of me I just said nope that's not true, he was mad extra mad and was calling me a lier(lier was nicest of all that he called me) but people saw and started to beleve me more, I was just calm and poker face, now every time they are not sure did he tells the truth they shush him up and ask me is that true. He is saying I am dangerous guy, well dangerous to beat wife and me who is 3 times smaller than him, I just showed him that I am not afraid of being beaten and death, once he started to choke me I was just calm didn't flinch, said go ahead, wasn't afraid, before that he wasn't cheap on threat's, after that he saw that i am really not afraid of death and hospital now he doesn't have any leverage, I told him if you hurt me better make sure I can't get up because I will do 10 times worse to you without any emotions, I can shut off my emotions and forget fast if I want to so no problem for me to do anything bad to people who deserve, you just need to prove yourself that you are worthy hahaha. Gave him prove that I am not afraid and will do what I say, now he is 90% better, but I was like that since beginning since first day, I don't recommend being like that if narcissist already control you, he tried to control me but I showed him his place, told him yes you are dangerous to your wife and people like me who are underweight, I would like to see you with someone with your body properties, I tell him that every time he say 'I am dangerous', just recently I added laughing with comment yes to your wife and weak, underweight people like me.
That was really informative, I really found that quite interesting.
I’m really curious as to the nature of the potentially disturbing fantasies and dreams that the narcissist may have. Might they be horrific, or is it really more disturbing in the sense that they’re outrageous and unrealistic?
I’d also like to learn more about the distinctions between the vulnerable and grandiose narcissist. I’ll be looking through your back catalogue of videos to see what I can find in that regard.
Thanks for the video.
Woke up to my husband being a “vulnerable narcissist” learning that was helpful. This is an absolute nightmare situation.
Many thanks, this was awfully helpful 🙏🏻 Now, judging from my own developed behavior, I can identify my mother as a vulnerable narcissist.
The problem I find with all of this is that they just get worse. I used to say that one of the narcs in my family went very quickly from gratitude (for what I was doing for her) to expectation (that of course I would keep doing it) to demand (that if I stopped doing it, I was breaking some kind of trust).
I've been living with my mother for about a year now because I have had some health issues (I am almost 30 now). I have come to realize that she is a vulnerable narcissist and it can be incredibly difficult to live with her at times. She has a complete disregard for other people, unless you can make her feel good about herself. If you show any resistance to how she is doing something, she often flies into a narcissistic rage and comes totally unhinged (if you criticize how she is doing something, or her in any way, she pulls the "I am just worthless, no one cares about me, etc") . Having to move back in with my mother has COMPLETELY changed my opinion of her and I can't wait to get out of here. She is still my mother and cares about me, but I realize now that she is imperfect, whereas before, I thought she was great. She does have some redeeming qualities, but when she thinks she has been slighted, or if you disagree with her in any way, she thinks it is a personal attack. I've learned to just be passive and stay away from any topics we might disagree about. Realizing that she has many narcissistic traits has saved me so much stress.
I've done all these, but only as a child with a sociopathic father. When you're trying not to be killed or injured, these are good tactics. As an adult, it's complete no contact with abusers. At work, its complete gray rock and much documentation. Good luck, all. It's a jungle out there!
@Liquidbraino 🤣🤣👍 best answer I've ever seen. X
@Gigi Girl they hire them for middle management 😂
It's a jungle INDEED
@hugh mc nicholl I don’t need a new job. I’m referring to his video when he talks about this in the workplace.
@Robin Donnelly if u can get another job it’s easier 🙏
As a mother I used almost all of your tips to deal (to make life possible) with a demanding child and I guess I've just enabled and fuelled the incipient narc inside it.
he said it's for situations you CAN'T avoid. Like a co-worker, an ex you have kids with etc. It's tips to help maintain the peace while you are around them. Not for long term relationships of any kind with a narcissist.
My husband, I think, could be a "socio-narcissist," according to the characteristics I've read about online. He is very old, and I think it's just a waiting game at this point to see who outlasts who.
sad. hope you DO outlive him. but it's torture to care for a dying narc, that's for sure! luckily, my ex just stopped taking his seizure meds (out of stubborness) so had endless seizures for a day until he died (on hospice, at a care home, age 54!!!!) i always figure, he went out with "fireworks" in his brain and body, like endless electroconvulsive treatment, which he apparently "needed" or was "given" by God. now he only haunts me in memory, in my head, i still hear his mean comments to me. so weird to watch old movies of us, and see him criticize me and say mean things to me. my reality is pretty weird, but everyone's is, who has survived narc abuse.
❤
Rooting for you to last the longest!
I wish you some sweet years of joy and freedom ahead. You deserve to savour life and be free.
Very good advice . When dealing with a narc in the workplace , it is important not to loose your cool , and stay neutral . They are very sick and vindictive .
I grew up with narcissists and am grateful as now finally am learning boundaries. No matter who is in our loves it still all about us learning about us.
You do a better job at explaining it than I could !
😊
The best way to keep peace with a narcissist is avoid interaction as much as possible. Most importantly, this preserves one's inner peace by eliminating an unwelcome stressor.
Dr Grande videos are always filled with unoriginal comments that all say the same thing but have little depth.
But then they get mad cause u aren’t glorifying them
It’s always good to Avoid Trouble when possible. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!”
Thank you for this infor about narcissists, it will help me so much in dealing with my daughter who is a narcissist. She was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 2 but I'm pretty damn sure she is a narcissist by the way she treats me and her son. She hasn't had one meaningful relationship in her life and she is 29. I am thankful for these 10 tools. Thank you.
dealing with a narcissistic ppl really very exhausting..you must be knowledgeable , smart w/o letting them know you are..they never let themselves compete by the high ranking, but they do to their subordinate and lowly🥺 ..all your advises really works 💪
you are right .they could twist the reality into lies to destroy you..
Would you support being able to alert about a coworker (ideally including those in leadership roles) on the basis of narcicistic traits? And then, ideally, they would ger professional evaluation and a probation period…and get fired if they fail to show adaptivity for their role. 😍
One of my biggest fears is encountering a narcicist at work higher than me in the hierarchy.
These advices are so helpful. There so many of these people in my circle in different levels of narcissim. Thank you Dr. Grande.
Yeah I think this advice is good for a more remote narcissist in your life like a boss who has to be dealt with but you’re not personally close or intimate with. I would always try to avoid engaging even to the extent recommended here with the family narcissist. I get through with grey rock as best I can on holidays etc., when having to deal. Of course no contact is best. There no practical fix for toxic personalities just have to navigate the situation as best you can and get away ASAP and stay away or keep engagement to absolute barest minimum where possible. 🥰
The horrible thing is... narcissists really like to make you miserable no matter how happy you make them. They're going to backstab you in the end as hard as they can. And I think it gets worse the more you make them happy, actually. It does make them worse. And worse.
Agree. The more I tried to please and placate, the worse my daughter behaved. I wish I’d cut ties at the first real upheaval because by the secon upheaval she had projected all of her issues onto me. It took months of therapy to understand what had happened. Narcissists love to have you believe that YOU are the narcissist and the one with a cadre of pyscho-social ailments. Master manipulators.
@Jay Blumetti I would like to see the differences in the (Geneva Bible), and the (King James 1611 Bible).
@Jay Blumetti That's great!
@Jay Blumetti Yes.
@Jay Blumetti I will have to check it out. Thank you!
I agree with all the comments about avoiding them as much as possible, and also think it’s great to have some tips for dealing with them when we can’t avoid (work, etc). Most of what I’m hearing here seems to fall under the heading of treating others with empathy and kindness.
My dad had a violent episode while drunk and I ended up calling the cops because it was getting life threatening and there was a weapon. He’s now got the idea that he has to go to court all because of my mom and I, and he’s been saying how the situation apparently wasn’t that bad. (Coming from the guy blackout drunk at the time.) I’ve been already dealing with my own feelings of guilt as a trauma response, but now I even have outside blame... I’m going to try these techniques.. hopefully they help.
I find setting boundries that are win win helps. Like giving the narc notice if change is coming because they hate not being in control. So if you give them heads up on something it helps them feel like they have some control. Meet them half way if you can.
Dr Grande, it’s astounding of all channels/creators/content on KZclip addressing narcissism- you’re the one nailing my specific question on the head! I was unable to word it properly+ accurately. This video popped up within an hour of contemplating it (thinking of ways to phrase the question) and before much searching. Thank you for knowing your sub’s minds + hearts, and current, hot button, events as they unfold.
Wha ts app 👆👆
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
I've always known it wasn't me. This started long before I had a mean or cruel bone in my body. And yes, I have a very difficult time hiding my expression of shock and disgust ... And I'm well versed in dealing with my mother's radical and confusing behavior and horrific treatment. I try to love her from a distance, only spending at most 15 minutes around her at a time, and many days/weeks in between exposures. I have PTSP, Bipolar Disorder, Acute Anxiety, Clinical Depression and ADHD from all the abuse and neglect. I'm in treatment and therapy, have been consistently for over 35 years. I still can't tolerate too much of the wildly erratic and demonstrative attacks. It has a very negative and debilitating effect on me for anywhere from 24 to 36 hours at the least. I'm simply not equipped to cope with that frequently. I would become a danger to others and myself. I've got a pretty good handle on my diagnoses via medication management and therapy ... So long as I'm not subjected to abusive treatment and wild changes in attitude toward me ranging from insanely callous to overt and preposterous praise which is easy to see is just a play at manipulation or gaslighting. I no longer fall for those polar opposite attitudes and verbal admonishments. However, she does catch me off-guard about every 2 to 3 months ... That's when we both know a several day or week break needs to happen in order for her to remain physically safe. I become triggered and react with violence very quickly, long before any words will come from my mouth. I've been violence free for a long while now and I have no intention of allowing myself to behave like a wild animal. Any time I've reacted with physical force, I feel horrible about myself, criticize my core being mercilessly, and attack myself emotionally and mentally, on occasion violently to punish myself for allowing someone to cause me to lose control, abuse myself for behaving as if I have zero self control and deserve to be exterminated. It's such a mind-twisting, emotionally decimating state of being. My body will squim around of its own accord, I begin to develop what appears to be a physical tick, spastic movements I cannot bring to a halt, stutter and confuse my speech, become overwhelmed with the slighted chore or task ... It's a soul-crushing way to exist.
I don't hate her, in fact I've tried over and over, countless times to repair this relationship ... It's just not possible.
I have no father, many of my family members are clearly unstable, however do not discuss or even attempt to comfort or relate to one another about our individual struggles. It's just a den of poor interpersonal function, lies, shame and guilt slinging. Please believe, I've been trying by myself to change these sad and alienating dynamics to no avail. No one is interested in facing it, getting help and learning to be better to and for one another. It's heartbreaking, frankly.
This is amazing. It tells us just how in love with themselves the narcissist really is. It’s no wonder they hate us when we are not treating them like kings or queens 24/7.
I totally disagree I think it's shame and guilt and self-hate that drives them.
The best comment
Yeah, they dislike themselves quite a bit.
I appreciate everything you are posting on here. It has helped me a lot. I am still learning. It's just so hard to remember all of the stuff I've learned from your videos , especially in the heat of the moment. I really believe my ex husband was a narcissist. He was just terrible. I'm afraid though that my current husband has a lot of the same traits . Different and yet the same in so many ways. Once again thank you very very much for helping me and others.
Lmao no wonder the narcissist in my life showed his true colours pretty quickly - I certainly brought it out of him by challenging him more than placating. I definitely kept some stuff inside to try to “pick my battles” (this would later be used against me as “why didn’t you say anything right away? it’s your fault then, I can’t read your mind!” Despite him making it very clear even bringing up a small thing that bothered me communicated in a calm, low-key manner was going to set him off). Growing up as a smart girl, I’ve learned how to bring smart guys back down to earth when their ego is too inflated and they act like they’re better than me - I enjoy asserting myself that way on occasion and I thought the narc & I just “challenged each other” but really I resisted his attempts to dominate which fuelled his narcissistic anger earlier in the relationship than is probably typical
Wow... Exactly what I needed to hear 👏 🙌 🙏🏽. You have given me a Exactly the answer I have been searching for a long time. Thank you very much Dr Grande.
Thank you so much. This piece of information was so very important to me. I am in a family of narcissists. I came to know about narcissism just a month ago, but being a narcissistic survivor ally life, even without knowing and even without meaning to I had been using narcissistic fluffing a lot. And then I used a strategy which blew my mind when I consciously recognized it. I had felt like I was in a lake of several sharks. So I fluffed up the biggest great white shark and stuck to it like a sucker fish to escape from the less powerful narcissists in my family. And all this without even knowing what narcissm is.
These tips are great and I’ll start implementing them. I work closely with a narc and it’s been impossible to navigate without setting her off
I feel that manipulation as a way of dealing with a narcissist is repulsive and actually makes them worse. I personally will avoid them, having been abused for years by one, I learned the best relationship with one, is a zero relationship with them.
These are for when you can’t just avoid them, like they’re in charge of your supplies at work.
You can’t get them fired just for being narcs.
I couldn't agree with you more. Any other advice?
@TK someone with a vulnerable adult child and divorced narcissistic spouse who has guardianship, one has to figure ways to deal.
@Test Drive Nutrition i think that she is talking about a general rule of thumb.
Try having your dog that you bought named and trained stolen from you, and your only option to get him back is manipulation, you wouldn't say absolutely anything so you could to get your son/daughter/dog back?
When I have to be around my narcissistic mother, I’ve learned to just not react to her. I’ve learned since I was a child to turn off my emotions in a way. Which is good around her but I’ve been learning that I don’t need to do that for everyone so that’s been hard to deal with
I’m a narcissist‘s worst nightmare. I can easily recognize when they need to be fed. I learned this early in life because I was raised by a narcissist. Wasn’t even aware that these people had a name when I figured out how to defuse their antics.
Few defuse tips please.
What do you do? Please tell me ! What are the signs that they need to be fed?
I want your masterclass! 👏🏻
Very interesting! Particularly in cases where one doesn't have a choice. But much of it seems to me like feeding the monkey. I couldn't keep it up for long with the grandiose narcissist I had in my life. Just stay away if you can! It's not worth the STRESS